I did what everyone does when they get a new job. I patrolled the area at lunch looking for the closest place to buy food, drinks, or just some place to kill time. Fortunately, I now work near a mall, so killing time won’t be a problem. But the other day on my way TO the mall, I realized that there is no convenient store nearby to get a newspaper. There was, however, a Barnes & Noble attached to the mall.
Let me tell you about me and reading. To say I’m not a reader is like saying Britney Spears is not well adjusted, or Hilary Clinton is not beloved in country clubs. It is something that cannot be overstated.
So I thought I could stroll in, meander through the store without being noticed, grab a USA Today (you know, the paper for idiots) and escape without any shrapnel.
Hmmmm.
It began as soon as I came to the door. I was walking parallel to a lady toward the door from the outside. She was sure there was no way I was going in there, so she kept pace. I was keeping pace to try to open the door for her, being the Southern gen-teeel-man that I am. As I opened the door, I noticed she had her finger on the button of her mace spray, accompanying her look of horror and shock. I think she might have backed in, but I was too busy covering my eyes for protection.
After giving her ten paces. I walked in and began looking for a simple sign, “Newspapers”. I could have probably found that section sooner had I not been so self-conscious about others watching me. No one says a word, but they give the looks – “What’s he doing here?”, “Omigosh, it’s a NON-READER”, and of course, “Geez, I’ve got to get to a phone, we’ve got a code 14 near Cooking”. I had to wander through the store twice before I asked the clerk. I swear this was his response. “Ok, back up towards the front of the store, you’ll see a “Death of A Salesman” sign, it’s right under there.” I literally thought it would be a picture of a scene from the book, and almost replied, “Dude, I never read the book, how will I know what to look for?” But I trekked back through the store AGAIN, fielding a barrage of evil looks from nerds of all kinds, when I saw something that would bail me out – a guy in a camouflage shirt. HELL, YEAH!! The dweeb throng had shifted seamlessly from me to the more imminent threat. I heard them conspiring, “I’ll head him off at the Conway Twitty biography section and you cover ‘Field and Stream’ in the periodicals….on three….GO!”
This gave me the opportunity to slip by, grab my four colored paper and slither back to the mall entrance cash register. “Do you have one of our frequent reader carAH AHA HA HA HA HA HA……” As he wipes the tears from his eyes, he says, “I’m sorry, I gotta ask. You understand. Boy, that was funny!” I seriously wanted to take a swing a Phyllis, but I noticed that they had cornered Rambo in the café and were going in for the kill. “I don WAUNT NO LATT-TAY, I JEES WAUNT CAW-FEE”. I felt for Rambo, but since I don’t drink latte (or really know what it is), I knew I would have to leave him behind and just consider him a casualty. An MWR (Missing While Reading).
God Bless Rambo, we “non readers” will miss him.
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