Vying For My Soul

Starting a new job is full of valleys and mountains. My last job switch before January was nine years ago. And it was to an office of 6 people, so I’d forgotten the one single on-going war that happens when you go to a larger office – the immediate lobbying by individuals to ‘get you on their side’.

It starts out simple enough.

“Hey, let me know if you need anything”.

“Welcome aboard, stop by sometime and we’ll head to lunch”.

“If you can’t get an answer from corporate, call me and I’ll help you figure it out”.

Once you’re in and, ahem, ‘comfortable’, the tone changes slightly:

“Anything giving you any trouble so far?”

“We should probably chat soon about (enter random policy here)”

“(Enter upper management individual here) stays pretty busy, I can fill you in on anything you can’t get from her”

The timeline is different for each case, of course, but the process is the same. Once the honeymoon is over, you will become fully aware of who avoids who, who aligns with whom, and who flat out can’t stand who. Now the suggestions turn to:

“Don’t ask (enter random worker here). They don’t know their butt from a hole in the wall”

“Here’s why I don’t think (any process) will work………”

“Come in and close the door. (Previous upper manager) doesn’t have a grasp on reality and here’s why”

Now you have a couple of choices.

1. Soak it all in and don’t commit. I recommend this until you FULLY know the facts from everyone. Including the morons who don’t know their butts from a hole in the wall
2. Join one of the “gangs”. Learn their lingo, list their enemies, back them up in meetings. This is high risk/high reward. Your gang leader could be promoted and you’ll be sitting in high cotton. Or they could be fired and you will be outta there like poop through a goose.
3. Become the peacemaker right away. Demonstrate that you don’t understand why we all just can’t get along. This, of course will show everyone you have no backbone, right or wrong. Don’t do this.

Be prepared for the inevitable, “Did you hear what that meathead said?” type comments that will occur. Again, remain a sponge. It’s gonna be a year before you completely have a grasp on the culture at a new job. In the meantime, talk to EVERYONE at the company, from the CEO down to the janitor. Being standoffish will never score you points with any group.

And don’t wear a tie that will create a nickname for you. It will last your entire tenure there.

That is all.

Signed

Hercules