Notes from Disney World

My family and I just spent five days at Disney World. But, I look at theme parks differently than the average person.

--Left lane campers. Everyone understands who these nimrods are, right? Listen up, because if you don’t know what it means, you probably ARE one. Those signs on the interstate that say, “Slower traffic keep right”? That means you shouldn’t be in the left lane unless you are passing everyone. EV-RY-ONE. If you’ve ever been passed on the right, you’re a LLC. Losing the title of LLC is simple. Pass someone on the left, then after you’ve cleared them, move back into the right hand lane.

--I’m not saying I agree with this theory, but I have heard people (black and white) say that, in general, blacks have a higher chance of being better athletes. Again, I’m not necessarily agreeing with that. But IF that’s true, then I know why. White people cart their kids around in strollers long past the time when it’s acceptable. When you’re black and you turn two, you’re ass is WALKING. If you’re white and can convince mommy that you can fit in a stroller (even though you’re knees are shoved back behind your ears) you’re getting a ride. I swear one girl had to have been 10 years old asleep in a big plastic stroller. Guess what, Dad? You might as well save up for bail money, cause she’s gonna need it one day – and YOU are the guy she’ll be calling. Folks, strollers are for TODDLERS. If they are getting ready to shave, they need to walk everywhere they go. If they can’t hang through a 12 hour theme park day, YOU HAVE WORK TO DO!!!

--I know now the origins of the name “Orlando”. It means literally “abundance of Latin cleavage”.

--My hats off to the employees of Disney. I can’t go a day without emitting a little bit of crankiness. These men and women are happy all day long. And they’re happy wearing long sleeve shirts and pants in Orlando IN JUNE. We can’t let them wear shorts because, why? They’ll be TOO happy? I used to work at a Disney retail store and those Disney fans are CUH-RAZY. Step in front of them in the Mickey Mouse Autograph line and they’ll cut you with a shank they made from plastic ears. This is one group you just don’t mess with. And these park people deal with them (in addition to the average Joe’s family) all day long. So if you ever complain about the prices you pay at WDW, think about the LAST theme park you visited. Did they say “that’s not allowed” or “I’ll take the picture for you”? These cast members are just heroes, plain and simple. The only names I can remember are Jackie from McMinnville, TN and Allison from Winter Haven, FL.

--If you’ve just finished watching a parade or light show, and you’re not even a little misty-eyed, then you may not have a soul. Seriously, even if you don’t have kids, it’s hard not to get caught up in this “magic”. Having said that, if you find yourself at a parade yelling out “Darth Vader! Over HERE!!!”, and you’re yelling for yourself AND you’re 40 years old, you may need to re-think your hobbies, m’kay?

--Lines are long. This place is popular. Just DEAL with it. Seriously, no more bitching – no one wants to hear it. Did you really think that you could ride the Rockin Rollercoaster in under fifteen minutes?

--I’ve noticed that WDW is the only place where I will truly enjoy striking up a conversation with a total stranger. Anywhere else, I’m suspect of chatty people because I assume they will eventually try to 1) convert me to their religion, or 2) sell me some brand of sports energy drink. Chances are you can have a decent dialogue with anyone either in front of you or behind you. Even a loudmouth windbag from Ohio (Is it me or do they teach those people to dominate a conversation?)

--Your kids are definitely adorable – TO YOUAND YOU ALONE!!! Please don’t misinterpret our initial “Awww” to mean that we want to see more of their bratty behavior. What we’re really saying is “Awww…..someone needs a WHIPPIN”. You know, on second thought, maybe it’s a good thing some of you let your 12 year olds take naps in those strollers…………

--SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN. This just in – Florida is HOT. Just because the redneck natives wear jean shorts that don’t breath, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Long sleeve shirts, all black outfits, blue jeans?????………….THINK BEFORE YOU PACK. Even chunky people wearing halter tops is acceptable.

If you ever have the chance to go, then go. It's worth every dime. But don't be a left lane camper on the way down.

Shattered Innocence

Well, it finally happened. No, wait. It happened for the second time. I equate the end of my childhood with Dale Murphy being traded from the Atlanta Braves. This took place in 1990, when I was 23. Granted, Murphy was not my favorite player of all time (that honor goes to Hank Aaron), but he was one of the last great athletes to revere. My buddy Scott Sergent, who was an intern with the Braves, called me at work to tell me. I was managing a music store at the time, so I had to be strong for my employees. But I did cry that night. Time to move on, time to grow up. I eventually forgave Tom Glavine for throwing at Murphy during a game a year later. It was retaliatory – he HAD to do it. Even the pitch was symbolic. Murphy knew it was coming and the ball was thrown about 30 mph. After the game, Murphy said he didn’t take it personally and Glavine didn’t even want to talk about it. That’s the kind of respect Murphy garnered.

This time though, my faith in our justice system took the big blow. I always believed that the prosecutors were the good guys and the defense attorneys were the bad guys. Defense attorneys can lie and spin like crazy; prosecutors HAVE to find and tell the truth. But if you’re like me, you want to beat Nifong with a lacrosse stick. You and I both know that he will be on the $10,000/hr lecture circuit next year.

Lucky for me, tomorrow I’m going to the happiest place on earth. No, not Charlize Theron’s pillow – Disneyworld. Maybe that will get me back on track.

There's nothing worse than being a fan of an out of state team. I live in Virginia, but LOOOOVE my Georgia Bulldogs. So all you people who get to go to the games, consider yourselves lucky. The rest of us have to pay for the privilege of listening to Larry Munson from afar. I'm so glad Al Gore invented the internet.

I don't know how I stumbled upon this, but I prepared a schedule for the Georgia/Florida game in 2005. Luckily, that game is always on TV. Anyway, here's how I planned the weekend for me and my family. The game didn't turn out so well, and even though my wife, Robin, and I actually WENT to the WLOCP in 2006, that didn't turn out so well, either. Oh, well, like the Gamecocks say, "wait til next year".

(It's OK to pity my kids)

Schedule for Georgia/Florida weekend.

Friday:

6:30am – Robin to Orthopedic Surgeon. Have hand operated on. (memo to self: bring large red & black foam “#1” finger for her to wear home)

11:30am – Begin badgering Robin about what she’s cooking for dinner with “one good hand”

11:31am – Regain consciousness, go pick up Olivia from Pre-school. Review cheer with her. “GOOOOOO DAWGS, SIC EM WOOF WOOF WOOF” (remind her it has to have FEELING)

12:15pm – Go to Atlanta Journal Constitution online, read latest updates to “Junkyard Blawg”. Ridicule Gator fans who, despite having their OWN blog, come onto ours and pick fights

12:30pm – Realize that the “Gator Fans” are really Tech fans who have nothing better to do. Since their team sucks.

2:05pm – Madelyn gets home from school. Pull Madelyn and Olivia into the living room and simulate the “Sprint draw”; discuss why it doesn’t work on 3^rd and long; fire off email to Coach Richt giving him said reasons.

3:30pm – Kid games. Play “So how tall are they?” Olivia plays running back Thomas Brown, who is 5’8”, Madelyn plays wide receiver Kenneth Harris, who is 6’3”, Daddy plays offensive tackle Dennis Roland, who is 6’9”. (tell kids Mommy is a party pooper because she doesn’t want to play tight end Leonard Pope – 6’8”)

5:00pm Enough of this kid stuff. Back to work. Watch game films of the Tennessee game. Madelyn will ask, “Daddy, what are we learning from THIS game”. “Nothing, sweetheart. I just enjoy watching UT get beat”.

5:30pm Watch film of Arkansas game. See if Olivia can count the number of ambulances that cart the Dogs off the field. Explain the significance of our new starting quarterback, Joe Tereshinkski, whose father and grandfather both played football for Georgia. Lie and say his great-grandfather planted the original hedges at Sanford Stadium. Explain significance of the hedges and tell them Scott Sergent and I broke into Sanford at 3am one night to get a piece of the famous bushes. Poke the girls to keep them from going to sleep.

7:00pm – Watch an ESPN pregame show. Explain to the girls that Lou Holtz is not retarded, he just has a lisp and combs his hair straight down.

7:30pm – In celebration of Halloween, show the girls a picture of legendary Georgia Defensive coach Erk Russell. Spend the next 15 minutes calming Olivia down.

8:30pm – Entertainment time. Show videos of past GA/FL games. Replay the one in ’97 when Steve Spurrier threw his visor 28 times, and his #1 ranked teams got their butts whipped 37-17. Also replay the Belue to Scott 94 yard TD in ’80. Lord above, that never gets old.

10:00pm – Put the girls to bed, tell them we have a long, long day tomorrow. Prepare something to eat since my slacker wife still hasn’t made me anything for dinner.

Saturday:

5:30am – Breakfast. Listen to Larry Munson clips to fire everyone up, “WE JUST STEPPED ON THEIR FACE WITH A HOB NAIL BOOT!!! WE JUST CRUSHED THEIR FACE!!”

5:45am – apply red and black face paint. I might wear some, too.

6:00am-8:00am – Go over offensive schemes

8:00am-10:00am – Go over defensive schemes

10:00am – Explain to the girls why they can’t go outside and play. Time to review punts and kick-offs.

10:30am – Watch “College Gameday” on ESPN. Make voodoo doll for Florida coach Urban Meyer. Remind the girls (who are hating life at this point) that Meyer cried in his press conference after the loss to LSU. This man was supposed to revolutionize the SEC. He is hereby dubbed Urban Cryer.

12:00pm – Allow the girls to watch cartoons instead of football, but only if they promise to keep the face paint on.

12:00pm-3:30pm – Watch meaningless (read: any other) college football games.

3:30pm – Watch GA/FL game intro. Call announcers Verne Lundquist and Todd Blackledge a couple of @#&*!’s. (Explain to the girls it’s not really ok to say @#&*!). State out loud that I’m tired of hearing about Pollack and Greene. It’s 2005, time to move on. (Explain to Olivia who David Pollack and David Greene are. Draw her a map of Snellville)

3:30pm-7:30pm – Yell, stomp, kick, cuss.

7:30pm - ????? – Depends on the outcome of the game. Either of the conversations could take place.

Robin: Madelyn, go ask Daddy if we can eat out tonight while he’s in a good mood

Madelyn: Will we have to wait until the holes in the ceiling are fixed?

OR

Robin: Girls, try to avoid being on the same floor as Daddy.

Madelyn: Can we cover that hole with plastic, it’s supposed to be cold tonight?

Quick Hits

The Oliver Twist

Georgia cornerback Paul Oliver has been declared academically ineligible for 2007, what would have been his senior year. I feel badly for him, but this is of his doing. He probably knows it and he’s moving on. I think I’m the only one who is concerned about this. I feel like the bottom has fallen out, but no one else seems to have the same concern. I guess we’ll find out quickly just how good these young guys are

Logan’s Run Delayed

All incoming freshmen reported to campus awhile back. That is, all of them except for Logan Gray who has mono. He will report in a couple of weeks. There hasn’t been much said about Gray, but I will be watching him closely. Mainly, because he is the likely heir apparent to Stafford (unless Matt goes pro early and Joe Cox takes over his last year). I know it’s premature to think about life after Stafford since he’s just getting started, but that day will come soon. Also, safety John Knox is probably headed to Hargrave Military this year. And Vance Cuff is disputing some grades. It’s just the man keeping him down.

The Pre Commitments

After offensive lineman Jonathan Owens last Friday, the Dawgs have 14 commitments for 2008. At this rate, we should have a full class by the Oklahoma State game. And truth be told, I’m disappointed we don’t have anyone lined up for 2009 yet. All joking aside, I don’t follow recruiting for one simple reason – none of it matters until they sign in February.

Hebron It On Himself

There is a rumor going around that linebacker Akeem Hebron is going to transfer to West Virginia. Hebron was suspended for the year because of his two alcohol related arrests, and was transferring to Georgia Military. The plan was that he would play there for a year, then transfer back to Georgia for the 2008 season. If you’re asking yourself whether or not you’ve seen this movie before, you have. There was Odell Thurman, who did make it back (but sure didn’t learn much), and Josh Johnson, who did not.

At issue is his eligibility. If he transfers to a D1 school, he would have to sit out for a year. If he goes to GMC for a year, he can go wherever he likes when he comes back. So it seems to me he has quite some time before he has to make that decision. I really hope he does come back, but until then, it could be good for recruiting.

Thy Rod and Thy Stafford

I’m not sure what Dawg fans are more upset about – the fact that Matthew Stafford allowed himself to be photographed holding up a keg (so soon after Hebron’s arrests), the fact that he was bumping uglies with a Bama girl, or that he dresses terrible for a hippie. Either way, all this stuff will only further his legend and enhance his mythical status. My only problem with the whole thing was those God-awful beads. Egad.

Chandler Bing & Col Henry Blake

I’m not disappointed that starting TE Trip Chandler and back up QB Blake Barnes were busted for drinking. I’m mostly just disappointed that those guys are so freakin STUPID. Listen, you’re not going to stop college kids from drinking (besides, Barnes is 21), but enough of a big deal has been made of it that you really shouldn’t go walking down the street with a tall cool one. I mean, really, is there nothing else to do in Athens?