Notes from Disney World

My family and I just spent five days at Disney World. But, I look at theme parks differently than the average person.

--Left lane campers. Everyone understands who these nimrods are, right? Listen up, because if you don’t know what it means, you probably ARE one. Those signs on the interstate that say, “Slower traffic keep right”? That means you shouldn’t be in the left lane unless you are passing everyone. EV-RY-ONE. If you’ve ever been passed on the right, you’re a LLC. Losing the title of LLC is simple. Pass someone on the left, then after you’ve cleared them, move back into the right hand lane.

--I’m not saying I agree with this theory, but I have heard people (black and white) say that, in general, blacks have a higher chance of being better athletes. Again, I’m not necessarily agreeing with that. But IF that’s true, then I know why. White people cart their kids around in strollers long past the time when it’s acceptable. When you’re black and you turn two, you’re ass is WALKING. If you’re white and can convince mommy that you can fit in a stroller (even though you’re knees are shoved back behind your ears) you’re getting a ride. I swear one girl had to have been 10 years old asleep in a big plastic stroller. Guess what, Dad? You might as well save up for bail money, cause she’s gonna need it one day – and YOU are the guy she’ll be calling. Folks, strollers are for TODDLERS. If they are getting ready to shave, they need to walk everywhere they go. If they can’t hang through a 12 hour theme park day, YOU HAVE WORK TO DO!!!

--I know now the origins of the name “Orlando”. It means literally “abundance of Latin cleavage”.

--My hats off to the employees of Disney. I can’t go a day without emitting a little bit of crankiness. These men and women are happy all day long. And they’re happy wearing long sleeve shirts and pants in Orlando IN JUNE. We can’t let them wear shorts because, why? They’ll be TOO happy? I used to work at a Disney retail store and those Disney fans are CUH-RAZY. Step in front of them in the Mickey Mouse Autograph line and they’ll cut you with a shank they made from plastic ears. This is one group you just don’t mess with. And these park people deal with them (in addition to the average Joe’s family) all day long. So if you ever complain about the prices you pay at WDW, think about the LAST theme park you visited. Did they say “that’s not allowed” or “I’ll take the picture for you”? These cast members are just heroes, plain and simple. The only names I can remember are Jackie from McMinnville, TN and Allison from Winter Haven, FL.

--If you’ve just finished watching a parade or light show, and you’re not even a little misty-eyed, then you may not have a soul. Seriously, even if you don’t have kids, it’s hard not to get caught up in this “magic”. Having said that, if you find yourself at a parade yelling out “Darth Vader! Over HERE!!!”, and you’re yelling for yourself AND you’re 40 years old, you may need to re-think your hobbies, m’kay?

--Lines are long. This place is popular. Just DEAL with it. Seriously, no more bitching – no one wants to hear it. Did you really think that you could ride the Rockin Rollercoaster in under fifteen minutes?

--I’ve noticed that WDW is the only place where I will truly enjoy striking up a conversation with a total stranger. Anywhere else, I’m suspect of chatty people because I assume they will eventually try to 1) convert me to their religion, or 2) sell me some brand of sports energy drink. Chances are you can have a decent dialogue with anyone either in front of you or behind you. Even a loudmouth windbag from Ohio (Is it me or do they teach those people to dominate a conversation?)

--Your kids are definitely adorable – TO YOUAND YOU ALONE!!! Please don’t misinterpret our initial “Awww” to mean that we want to see more of their bratty behavior. What we’re really saying is “Awww…..someone needs a WHIPPIN”. You know, on second thought, maybe it’s a good thing some of you let your 12 year olds take naps in those strollers…………

--SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN. This just in – Florida is HOT. Just because the redneck natives wear jean shorts that don’t breath, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Long sleeve shirts, all black outfits, blue jeans?????………….THINK BEFORE YOU PACK. Even chunky people wearing halter tops is acceptable.

If you ever have the chance to go, then go. It's worth every dime. But don't be a left lane camper on the way down.