There's nothing worse than being a fan of an out of state team. I live in Virginia, but LOOOOVE my Georgia Bulldogs. So all you people who get to go to the games, consider yourselves lucky. The rest of us have to pay for the privilege of listening to Larry Munson from afar. I'm so glad Al Gore invented the internet.

I don't know how I stumbled upon this, but I prepared a schedule for the Georgia/Florida game in 2005. Luckily, that game is always on TV. Anyway, here's how I planned the weekend for me and my family. The game didn't turn out so well, and even though my wife, Robin, and I actually WENT to the WLOCP in 2006, that didn't turn out so well, either. Oh, well, like the Gamecocks say, "wait til next year".

(It's OK to pity my kids)

Schedule for Georgia/Florida weekend.

Friday:

6:30am – Robin to Orthopedic Surgeon. Have hand operated on. (memo to self: bring large red & black foam “#1” finger for her to wear home)

11:30am – Begin badgering Robin about what she’s cooking for dinner with “one good hand”

11:31am – Regain consciousness, go pick up Olivia from Pre-school. Review cheer with her. “GOOOOOO DAWGS, SIC EM WOOF WOOF WOOF” (remind her it has to have FEELING)

12:15pm – Go to Atlanta Journal Constitution online, read latest updates to “Junkyard Blawg”. Ridicule Gator fans who, despite having their OWN blog, come onto ours and pick fights

12:30pm – Realize that the “Gator Fans” are really Tech fans who have nothing better to do. Since their team sucks.

2:05pm – Madelyn gets home from school. Pull Madelyn and Olivia into the living room and simulate the “Sprint draw”; discuss why it doesn’t work on 3^rd and long; fire off email to Coach Richt giving him said reasons.

3:30pm – Kid games. Play “So how tall are they?” Olivia plays running back Thomas Brown, who is 5’8”, Madelyn plays wide receiver Kenneth Harris, who is 6’3”, Daddy plays offensive tackle Dennis Roland, who is 6’9”. (tell kids Mommy is a party pooper because she doesn’t want to play tight end Leonard Pope – 6’8”)

5:00pm Enough of this kid stuff. Back to work. Watch game films of the Tennessee game. Madelyn will ask, “Daddy, what are we learning from THIS game”. “Nothing, sweetheart. I just enjoy watching UT get beat”.

5:30pm Watch film of Arkansas game. See if Olivia can count the number of ambulances that cart the Dogs off the field. Explain the significance of our new starting quarterback, Joe Tereshinkski, whose father and grandfather both played football for Georgia. Lie and say his great-grandfather planted the original hedges at Sanford Stadium. Explain significance of the hedges and tell them Scott Sergent and I broke into Sanford at 3am one night to get a piece of the famous bushes. Poke the girls to keep them from going to sleep.

7:00pm – Watch an ESPN pregame show. Explain to the girls that Lou Holtz is not retarded, he just has a lisp and combs his hair straight down.

7:30pm – In celebration of Halloween, show the girls a picture of legendary Georgia Defensive coach Erk Russell. Spend the next 15 minutes calming Olivia down.

8:30pm – Entertainment time. Show videos of past GA/FL games. Replay the one in ’97 when Steve Spurrier threw his visor 28 times, and his #1 ranked teams got their butts whipped 37-17. Also replay the Belue to Scott 94 yard TD in ’80. Lord above, that never gets old.

10:00pm – Put the girls to bed, tell them we have a long, long day tomorrow. Prepare something to eat since my slacker wife still hasn’t made me anything for dinner.

Saturday:

5:30am – Breakfast. Listen to Larry Munson clips to fire everyone up, “WE JUST STEPPED ON THEIR FACE WITH A HOB NAIL BOOT!!! WE JUST CRUSHED THEIR FACE!!”

5:45am – apply red and black face paint. I might wear some, too.

6:00am-8:00am – Go over offensive schemes

8:00am-10:00am – Go over defensive schemes

10:00am – Explain to the girls why they can’t go outside and play. Time to review punts and kick-offs.

10:30am – Watch “College Gameday” on ESPN. Make voodoo doll for Florida coach Urban Meyer. Remind the girls (who are hating life at this point) that Meyer cried in his press conference after the loss to LSU. This man was supposed to revolutionize the SEC. He is hereby dubbed Urban Cryer.

12:00pm – Allow the girls to watch cartoons instead of football, but only if they promise to keep the face paint on.

12:00pm-3:30pm – Watch meaningless (read: any other) college football games.

3:30pm – Watch GA/FL game intro. Call announcers Verne Lundquist and Todd Blackledge a couple of @#&*!’s. (Explain to the girls it’s not really ok to say @#&*!). State out loud that I’m tired of hearing about Pollack and Greene. It’s 2005, time to move on. (Explain to Olivia who David Pollack and David Greene are. Draw her a map of Snellville)

3:30pm-7:30pm – Yell, stomp, kick, cuss.

7:30pm - ????? – Depends on the outcome of the game. Either of the conversations could take place.

Robin: Madelyn, go ask Daddy if we can eat out tonight while he’s in a good mood

Madelyn: Will we have to wait until the holes in the ceiling are fixed?

OR

Robin: Girls, try to avoid being on the same floor as Daddy.

Madelyn: Can we cover that hole with plastic, it’s supposed to be cold tonight?