Big Bry is on drugs

That’s right. I could no longer fend off the need to take medicine for high blood pressure, so for the first time in my life, I’m popping pills.

A little history. I’ve always been anti-drug. I mean, sure, in college, I would have no problems smoking weed that was grown in a toilet by a guy who called himself “The Chemical Bandit”, so I understand how hypocritical that is. One thing is for sure – that stuff never came with warning labels on the bag (or empty film canister, or coffee can, or my favorite; an accounting book with a carved out middle). There were definitely warnings, but they came in the form of Nancy Reagan and those “this is your brain on drugs” ads, which, by the way did more to INDUCE people into to taking drugs than deterring (“DUDE!!I wanna get that fried!!”) If marijuana had labels, we know what they would say:

“Getting high can seriously inhibit your ambition to get up off that couch. Seriously”.

“Reefer has caused the following side effects: lower grades, constant hunger and interaction with some of the stupidest people on the face of the earth”

“Smoking this product has been known to cause that God-awful high-pitched white man’s laugh”

So…….have you ever READ warning labels for medicine? I understand that legally, they have to be there, but my goodness. It gives pause, for sure. Let’s examine a few from my new bottle of Hydrochlorothiazide, shall we?

Uses: …….Hydrochlorothiazide is a “water pill” (diuretic) that causes your body to get rid of extra salt and water. This increases the amount of urine you make……..

We’ll just put that in the ‘win’ column. Of course I’ll have to get up five minutes earlier each day, ‘cause it sounds like it’s gonna take a little longer to get ready.

Side Effects: Dizziness, light headedness, headache, blurred vision, loss of appetite, stomach upset……………..

Ok, in 1987, I called those symptoms ‘Saturday night at Poor Richards Bar & Grill’

………….diarrhea or constipation………..

Eeeeeyow. What….do they put Krystal burgers in those things?

You may also experience decreased sexual ability or increased sensitivity to the sun

Like, uh, at the same time? I could handle decreased sexual desire (hey, I’m 40 – it’s a right), but ABILITY? That’s just five ways wrong! And is the sensitivity related to my eyes or skin? I can handle wearing sunglasses all the time, but will I start looking like one of those pale red-heads with pink freckles on my butt?

If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly

“Uh, Doc, my vision seems to be pretty bad. I could have SWORN I saw a picture of Scooter Libby that read ‘no jail time’”

Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of the side effects

Somewhere there’s a guy with an invisible scale, saying, “Hmmm. Continue to be a sexual dynamo OR lower my blood pressure….I’ll think about it”

Personally, I’m hoping Doc is right about this, because three of those symptoms might require wearing a diaper. Although, for years I have threatened my wife that I would keep a jug by the bed at night to avoid getting up to take a whiz – this could now be deemed medically necessary.

Finally, there’s this nugget:

Precautions: Before taking Hydrochlorothiazide, tell your doctor or pharmacist if you are allergic to it…………

Duh huh!?! That’s the medical equivalent of the hair dryer warning “Do not use in the shower. You would know that you are allergic to it “before taking it”……….HOW, exactly?

So many things to look forward to…….whizzing all the time, my wife saying the obligatory “d’jou take yer medicine?”, and vomiting while blaming in on my pills.

Sweet.