Tom Glavine

Earlier this month, Tom Glavine won his 14th postseason game before the Mets bowed to the Cardinals in the NLCS. If I was a hitter in the majors, it would drive me absolutely nuts to watch him pitch day after day. He doesn’t throw high cheese, he doesn’t have one of those roundhouse curve balls. What he has is smarts.

Janurary 1991, Atlanta, GA. My college roommate was working as an intern for the Atlanta Braves. He invited me and my fiancé to a dinner honoring Legendary Brave Dale Murphy. Dale is my 2nd favorite Brave ever (The Hammer, to answer your question). Before the dinner started, my buddy pointed out a guy and said, “That’s Tom Glavine, they say he’ll be a pretty good pitcher for the Braves one day.” I distinctly remember looking at him; he wasn’t much bigger than I was. Most of these other players seemed huge (Murphy for one, who posed for a picture with me). After surveying Glavine, I thought to myself, “Man, I could take him……….”

Fifteen years later, many a batter has watched Glavine on the mound and thought the same thing. And most of them were as wrong as I was.

When Hell ain't enough

After the horrific events that have taken place the last couple of weeks, we begin to look for relief. Parents shooting their kids, adults shooting up schools, crazies cutting babies out of women……..this constant barrage of evil begins to sap the happiness right out of us.

So here’s what I do.

I like to imagine that even hell has standards. Much in the way that many of us imagine that St Peter is waiting on us at the gates of heaven to “confirm” our arrival, I imagine that Satan, Jr. is down below at the ‘Lake of Fire’ entrance to greet those who have ensured themselves a spot in eternal damnation. There will be a few who pass without incident. Lots of lawyers, a few referees, and that guy who invented artificial turf. But when that dude shows up and says, “Uh, yeah, I just shot 8 little Amish girls…..”. I would imagine Satan’s response is something like this:

“Oh SNAP!!! That was YOU? Damn, man, what’s WRONG with you? Holy crap, you’re gonna have to go sit by Hitler and McVeigh. Eight Amish girls, man, you must really be a special kind of prick.”

“Well, at first I was just going to molest them, but…”

“WHOA WHOA WHOA…you were going to MOLEST Amish kids? Ok, right away, I can tell you that you don’t get any porn privileges…..Geez Lou-ise, what is goin ON up there on earth? HEY! Bin Laden!!! Dude, I know you haven’t been here long, but will you show this asshole around? No, he doesn’t get anything to drink or any shoes, let his feet melt first, and give him an iPod loaded with Yoko Ono's Greatest Hits………”

Sorry. It’s the only solace I can get.