Who ARE these guys?

Swagger [swag-er]- to walk or strut with a defiant or insolent air.

Seems like the less I write, the better the Dawgs do.
It occurred to me why no one thinks Georgia is an elite football program yet. For the past few weeks, many in the media have been wondering if the Dawgs can keep up the kind of energy it takes to win big games. Now, a rival fan will tell you that the Dawgs are doomed – Richt has to keep pulling these cutesy little stunts (endzone celebration, black jerseys) to keep the players fired up. Sounds like a sore loser to me. I mean, some of these same rival fans said Georgia would be good again in a couple of years, but not this year. Now that Georgia is on the verge of a 9 or 10 win season with a roster full of sophomores and freshmen, no one wants to admit that talent is taking over. What you are witnessing is a scenario where everything that Coach Richt HOPED would come together IS coming together. And everyone is having fun, including Richt.
Many of those close to Coach Richt saw this coming. Oh, I don’t mean they knew he would purposely orchestrate unsportsman-like penalties and the like. But they knew he would have more time on his hands now that the play-calling duties had been handed over to Mike Bobo. And Richt hasn’t had that extra time since………..well, never. He’s been calling plays his entire career. So what does he do with his newfound free time? Work on his high diving techniques? Pick out a haircut style more acceptable to the new millennium? No, he’s yelling at referees and choreographing end zone dances. And why not, the Dawgs are getting yards on the ground, through the air, making sacks, getting interceptions…….life is good.

Swagger indeed. Bring on the Wildcats!!

Latest News & I Don’t Make Predictions Week 9

Uh, not much happened this past week.

DAWGS RULE AND GATORS DROOL!!!!!!

I could go on and on and on about Georgia’s win over Florida, but it’s been done to death. As it should be. Some quick points:
**If you’re one of those whining about all of Georgia’s players rushing the field after our first TD, I will refer you to the Dave Chapelle (via Rick James) quote – “It’s a CELEBRATION, bitches!!”
**I’ve never seen someone who looked as unhappy as Florida coach Urban Meyer did. I was pretty sure he was going to cry in the third quarter. And they should award him some stats since he was parked halfway out to the hash mark for a better part of the game.
**Why can only the Gators do the chomp? You’re telling me that if Erik scored a TD and he woof woof woofed the crowd that he would get a flag thrown? I don’t think so.
**I usually don’t buy into the hype that’s given to players, but…….Knowshon Moreno. WOW!
**Also, since we won, I can legally say that was some of the worst officiating I’ve ever seen. They missed a call or two against us as well.

A few weeks ago, everyone was writing the Dawgs obituary. Now, we could win out (and hope for a UT loss) and make it back to Atlanta for the SEC Championship game. But alas, we must focus on Troy this weekend.

Other games (that no one cares about):
LSU @ Alabama – The Saban Bowl. See Nick coach the Cajuns. See Nick leave for the NFL millions while Les Miles coaches the Saban leftovers. See Nick fall on his ass in Miami. See Alabama sell their soul to the devil to get Saban back. See Nick tell recruits that LSU’s success is all on him. See an all out BRAWL this Saturday.
Vandy at Florida – Oh, you really WANT Vanderbilt to win but they just won’t. The Gators are still mad about our CELEBRATION, BITCHES!!!
South Carolina @ Arkansas – The Ole Ball Coach has perfected the art of being a tool. I mean, he gives preacher’s kids a bad name. I should have a better reason to pull for Arkansas than “I hate Steve Spurrier”. I’d like to see Darren McFadden do well, how ‘bout that?

I Don’t Make Predictions Week 7

Everybody spent all week arguing as to whether or not South Florida was worthy of being #2 in the BCS. It’s all wasted words. These things work themselves out – they always do.
Let’s move on to the games of note:
(I should point out that Georgia is off this week, so I will spend Saturday actually doing something constructive – painting shudders and looking for a pin-hole leak in a swimming pool liner. I know – you wish you were me.)
Under the ‘games that could get ugly’:
#23 Cinciannati @ Pittsburgh – Pittsburgh has been beaten up pretty well this season, and that includes their coach.
Northern Illinois @ Wisconsin – the Badgers have lost two in a row after starting out the year 5-0. How mad are they? Tune in and see.
#4 Oklahoma @ Iowa State – Let’s see, how can we will our way back into the BCS title game (since South Florida lost)? Bitch slap an inferior opponent and show the world how COOL we really are!!
#13 USC @ Notre Dame – Remember the good ole days (2 years ago) when this game meant something? The Trojans lost style points for barely beating 2-5 Arizona, plus the same media who built them up the entire offseason has now abandoned them. I would be surprised if USC didn’t score 80 points and punch Charlie Weiss in the stomach before they left South Bend.
#10 California @ UCLA – All Cal had to do was beat mediocre Oregon State, and the number one spot would be theirs. I expect them to unleash the fury on the Bruins not seen in Southern California since OJ Simpson.

Half interesting:
Texas A&M @ Nebraska – Two coaches (Franchione and Callahan) with absolutely nothing to lose. These guys are just out here to beef up the resume.
#15 Kansas @ Colorado – This game will finally resemble a DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL GAME, BROTHER!!! (sorry, I’ll be using that one for a while)

SEC games:
#20 Tennessee @ Alabama – The only thing that keeps this game from turning into a riot every year (especially since Phil ratted out the Tide) is that most fans here are too drunk to fight. But this year, the game starts at 12:30. I can see the bottles flying now….
Vandy @ #6 South Carolina – Go ahead and try to convince yourself that this game could be close, but Spurrier hasn’t been able to run up a score since he’s been back in the SEC. This could be his chance.
Arkansas @ Ole Miss – Two crazy-ass coaches. Wasted talent on the field. The post game presser may actually be more interesting than this game.
#14 Florida @ #8 Kentucky – As a Georgia fan, you can only hope this game goes into about 6 or 7 overtimes and everyone is physically, emotionally and spiritually drained at the end.
#18 Auburn @ #5 LSU – Uh oh. The Auburn team everyone forgot about at the beginning of the year is BAAA-AAAACK. Remember when no one thought they could beat Florida? And remember how physical last year’s game was between these two teams? I was sore from just watching it.

Lost my giggawiggy!!!

The average person calls them flashdrives. And let’s face it; many of us have become very dependent on them because we store everything we know on there. If you don’t think you are overly reliant on a flashdrive, think about what would happen if you lost it. A-HA! More important than you thought, huh?
My wife is not what you would call techno-savvy. While I’m on the phone with others talking about gigabytes, drive speeds and other BASIC (yes, basic) tech terms, she rolls her eyes and says I sound like a nerd. Then she mocked me – “Hey, check out my new giggawiggy!” Hence the term.
AAAAAAAAaaaaand we’re back
I keep telling myself that I should put a password protect on my flashdrive, but nothing motivates me to do it. Well, I’m here to tell ya brother, losing it will. You become like a crack addict looking for a misplaced child. “Oh, baby, I’ll protect you, if I find you I won’t never let you get away again!!!!” FYI, I go on the same rampage when one of my kids loses the remote control. “No, no, no, please God, not the remote! I’m sorry I skipped church! I’m sorry I yelled at my wife! I’ll do anything if you just shine a light on my remote control!! You could swear that a chorus of angels begins to sing when you finally find it.
I begin thinking of all the horrible things that could be happening to my poor lost giggawiggy. Somebody could be putting it in their own computer, looking through and reading my files, checking out my personal info. Though really, if it was a cell phone, wouldn’t somebody do that so they could find out who it belongs to? Even worse, my giggawiggy could be sitting there, all alone, on the side of the street staring at the cars going by. That thought just keeps me up at night.
As it turns out, I forgot to take my flashdrive out of my pants pocket before tossing them in the hamper. Despite me not hearing the screams and cries from under a pile of clothes, I was able to eventually trace back my steps and find it – four hours after I lost it. Remember that scene from the Warner Bros cartoon? “I’m going to love him and pet him and squeeze him………”? Our reunion was reminiscent of that, and I’m not embarrassed. Now I just have to find a decent protection for muh BAY-BEE………..

May I help you?

You really thought I was going to write anything this week after the shellacking that the Dawgs took on Saturday?

Notsomuch.........

I Didn’t Make Predictions Week 5, And I Won’t for Week 6.

If I were a gambling man, I’d be broke. But I bet a lot of people lost money, seeing that 6 of the top 13 teams lost. Watching college football – good. Gambling on college football – bad. You already know who won and lost. I would consider it one of the best weekends ever. Florida, Oklahoma, Texas –all losers. But the celebrating and gloating is over.

Let’s look at what’s happening this weekend:

Florida @ LSU – Does anyone really think this game has lost its luster just because of Florida’s loss to Auburn? No, I didn’t think so. Sure Tim Tebow may have had to return his cape, but don’t think he’s not going to try to get it back.

Kentucky @ South Carolina – Is South Carolina for real? Is Kentucky for real? I know a lot of Gamecock fans who aren’t taking this game seriously. Big mistake. Big one.

Wisconsin @ Illinois – Two more teams trying to prove they are for real. In case you haven’t been paying attention, Ron Zook’s team is 4-1, with a win over Penn State. Wisconsin is also trying to play the “no one respects us” card.

Oklahoma @ Texas – This game HAS lost some luster. The Sooner lost to a Colorado team they had no business being close to, and the Longhorns loss was coming sooner or later. Still, it’s a grudge match and those are fun to watch…..sometimes.

West Virginia @ Syracuse – West Virginia’s motto, “Hey we’re still good without Pat White”. Syracuse’s motto, “We beat Louisville”. Boooooo-ring.

Virginia Tech @ Clemson – VT just hasn’t been VT this year. Clemson has been Clemson, meaning they start off well and then tank. Is this the week they start tanking?

Ohio State @ Perdue – Big Ten football. Yawn.

Georgia @ Tennessee – I could go on all day about this one. About how UT is desperate to prove they won’t repeat 2005. About how Georgia hasn’t lost in Neyland Stadium since 1999. About how UT laid 51 points on Georgia last year in Athens. About how Mark Richt resembles Bugs Bunny and Phil Fulmer resembles the Angry Bull. The Vols are 2.5 favorites, but for the life of me I can’t figure out why.

Other thoughts:

Does anyone think it’s funny that Florida safety and team captain Tony Joiner (last seen kissing Tim Tebow on the sidelines) was arrested for taking his girlfriend’s car from an impound at 4am? Is it even funnier that the owner of the impound, an admitted Gator fan, now says that the whole thing was a misunderstanding?

Former Colorado back up punter Mitch Cozad was sentenced to seven years for stabbing the starting punter. Didn’t Harding/Kerrigan/Gillooly teach us ANYTHING?

Nick Saban’s backhanded slam on South Florida’s academics is like Lou Holtz telling Rece Davis “I can’t understhtand you, you need to sthpeak more clearly”.

Other Thoughts from the UGA/Bama Game

A friend of mine( who supports another SEC team) once told me that when Georgia is winning, it just feels like they are toying with you. Like they are just stringing you along. I can assure you, no Dawg fan I know has EVER felt like that. And Saturday’s 26-23 win in OT was no different.

1. I’m curious to know if the manufacturer who makes Danell Ellerbe’s helmet is the same maker of all the other Georgia helmets. If not, we need to fix that. I swear that thing has come off about four times this year. Danell, you’ve got dreadlocks, yes, we get it. Strap that thing up and leave it on before you crack your skull!!!

2. Have you ever seen Coach Richt move so fast as when he was giving the motion to spike the ball at the end of regulation? For all you fans who asked that he “show some fire”, I think that may be all you get this year.

3. I don’t think that our dropped passes are as bad as fans think, but now that the issue is talked about, I think we harp on EVERY SINGLE ONE. Granted Tripp Chandler had a rough second half, but he caught one when it counted.

4. Speaking of Chandler’s catch, that set up what would have been the winning field goal. I’m sorry that Brandon Coutu missed it but I was relieved to see his reaction when it sailed just left. He was genuinely angry. What that tells me is that he had no doubt in his mind that he could make that, even after missing a 51 yarder earlier. Call it arrogance, call it cockiness, whatever – I want my kicker to have the kind of swagger that Brandon does.

5. Don’t take this the wrong way, because I’m really excited about Knowshon Moreno. But he had a run in the second half that ended close to the sideline where he collided with a defender – he looked like he was more interested in knocking the defender off his feet than getting the extra yards. In fact, I wasn’t sure he ever went out of bounds until he was jumping around in celebration. Coach Richt confirmed this in his press conference, saying that he could have cut back in and gained enough for the 1^st down. Hey, the guy is definitely exciting to watch, but I don’t want to see him posing for the camera or showing off.

6. Bama fans knew this, but the media got a reality check – the Trinity still includes God The Father, The Son, and the Holy Ghost. Nick Saban will have some work to do before he cracks that club.

7. I wonder if Tide DE Wallace Dingleberry Gilberry was able to get Matt Stafford’s phone number and home address AFTER the game since he got nowhere near him DURING the game?

8. The Dog Pile Maximus. I could really get used to it.

I Don’t Make Predictions Week 4 – With Updated Comments

(Note: I forgot to post this on Friday. So I’m posting it today and adding in some comments to prod myself)

Onto to this week’s games. Randomly selected, of course:

North Carolina @#23 USF – Are you like me? Do you get UCF and USF confused? Well, you shouldn’t anymore. USF is now ranked and a Big East PLAYA. UCF is coached by former Nerd Georgia Tech coach George O’Leary. He probably lies and says that he coaches USF.

South Florida is building something down there. They replace Louisville as a Big East powerhouse.

#20 Texas A&M @ Miami – I’m interested to see if Miami can fully recover from the beatdown they took from Oklahoma. Not that A&M is a similar measuring stick. But even if it’s easy to hate the “U”, it’s hard not to pull for Randy Shannon and what he’s trying to do.

Miami took it to A&M. That game was never in question

East Carolina @ #4 West Virginia – As if it wasn’t enough fun watching White/ Slaton run roughshod over people, now throw in Noel Devine. That dude is just a blur. I’ve seen cheetahs that aren’t that fast. I’m glad he finally found a home at such a fine educational establishment.

Ho hum. Mountaineers win again. On deck: South Florida

#3 Florida @ Ole Miss – You can bet that since Tim Tebow is now being mentioned in the Heisman race that he will be in the game until the fourth quarter, running up the stats. Then he’ll retire to the sidelines to suck face with his teammates. I think Ed Orgeron’s head may actually explode (admit it – you’d like to see that).

This game was seriously close. Give Orgeron this – he found a way to slow down the machine.

#10 Penn State @ Michigan – If you hate Michigan (and let’s face it, these are good times), you can begin watching again. Although, sometimes these seemingly lop-sided games actually produce watchable TV.

As this one did. Michigan’s win puts them back in the Big Ten hunt. Dammit.

#12 South Carolina @ #2 LSU – Remember the days when Steve Spurrier was a Florida and he used to beat opponents mercilessly? What goes around comes around. However, Spurrier won’t throw his visor because an LSU defender would probably eat it.

I gotta hand it to the Gamecocks, they did better than I thought. Most people say the score is not indicative of the game because of the rain, but it’s still closer than most people would have thought. It was nice to see Spurrier get a dose of trickery

#21 Kentucky @ Arkansas – Ah, the resurgence of Kentucky. Thanks for beating Louisville, now welcome back to your SEC slate. Your first mission, should you choose to accept it – stop Darren McFadden. And do it with that crappy defense.

This is the last stop for the Kentucky bandwagon. Better get on now.

#22 Georgia @ #16 Alabama – Aside from all the secrecy and mistrust going on, this should really be a good game. Bama doesn’t think that the Dawgs have played anyone yet, and the Dawgs aren’t ready to give up. One common opponent says Georgia is tougher. One Bama player has the hots for Matt Stafford. If Bama actually loses this game, I might feel sorry for Nick Saban. He’s the only one talking “one game at a time”. The rest of the Crimson Nation are assuming 8-0 when they play LSU. I smell UPSET!!!

And now I taste upset. Dawgs win 26-23 in OT. An OT that we handed to them. Hey a win is a win and Mark Richt is 23-3 in other school’s stadiums. Yeah, baby!

Dust, Clean Clothes, and a Fetal Pig

At some point in time, all of us put off cleaning our house, apartment, room, cave, etc. I have been in both camps. As a kid, I had a subconscious notion that I must have the messiest room in the entire world. I just didn’t care. But I was forced to clean up when we had company. When we lived in Tennessee and our relatives were still in Georgia, it was imperative that my room be clean enough that it could be inhabited by family members. To me, that meant someone could conceivably walk through the room without tripping on something. And clean clothes were hanging up. On something.
One summer I attended an honor’s school (no, seriously – I did) that specialized in several subjects. Music, Math, English and Biology. In biology, we dissected several types of animals. And even though I’m not a “science” guy, I was absolutely fascinated by this. The entire process of opening up a former living thing and seeing what’s inside was something I can remember to this day. What is a little fuzzy to me is how it came to pass that I was able to take home a fetal pig to dissect later. I mean, seriously, I don’t know if I stole it, or the professor saw my enthusiasm and figured I would schlep it out on the kitchen table at home, showing everyone how smart I was. Regardless, I took that pig, wrapped it up in a trash bag, stuffed it in my father’s 30 year old duffel bag, and took it home. I was going to revolutionize the…..dissecting industry. No one would do the kind of intelligent research that I was going to do. I might even find a cure for cancer, or at least fatty bacon.
Keep in mind this was summer. As fascinating as Biology was, I was a kid and summer duties called. Sleeping late, playing tennis and scoping the school yearbook for next year’s girlfriend prospect list…..all things that I just had to do. Because of these all important jobs, I conveniently placed my “lab work” on the back burner.
Enter my dad’s brother and his family for a trip to see us. Which of course means giving up my room and sleeping….wherever there was space. The long and short of it is that, yes, he slept next to that pig for a week and never knew. In fact, I think it was still three days AFTER they left before I threw it out.
The ribbing I took from that was endless, as it should have been. However, my uncle, who has since passed away, had a special way of teasing you. It was never mean spirited, but it was constant. It starts out with “Hey do I need to bring any slop with me next time we come up?” and then morphs into “Doctor, we need to open this pig up STAT!”. And for the record, in my family, if you’re going to make fun of someone, you’ve probably already made fun of yourself – self deprecating humor is bestowed upon the Ards very early, I think we all take a class at two years of age.
Ultimately, there is no comeback for making someone sleep next to a fetal pig. But if I was as much as a smart aleck then as now, I could have tossed a few zingers his way – “Jere, is there anything special I can make you for breakfast? Are you craving bacon?” or “Why do you smell like formaldehyde?”

Parents, there’s a reason you have to make sure your kids clean their room. You just NEV-ER know what they have up there………..

Dropped Pass Fever - Catch It!!!

Much has been made of the number of drops that the Georgia wide receivers have made. Not just this year, but really over the last few years. Some fans take out their frustration by booing our players. Some want receivers coach John Eason's head on a platter. But for all the hand wringing and worrying, there is no answer.

This sums it up best.

I Don’t Make Predictions, Week 3

Let’s just pick some games at random. Turns out, I have a few predictions after all.

*#4 West Virginia at Maryland- You will see highlights of Pat White and Steve Slaton NON STOP from Thursday night at 10pm until 7:59pm Friday evening. It's a new ESPN programming law.
*North Carolina will drub Virginia and we still won't know how good the Tarheels are. The Cavaliers are bad. Michigan bad.
*Georgia will not beat Western Carolina by more than 30 points because Richt never runs up the score, he only runs out the clock. Despite this, opposing fans will point to Alabama's 52-6 drubbing of the Catamounts as proof that the Dawgs suck.
*The Tennessee/Florida matchup will not go the way you think it will.
*Thousands of TV viewers will order whatever package has ESPNU on Saturday morning JUST to see if a football game breaks out in the Miami/FIU fight.
*The Notre Dame/ Michigan game will, despite being a total suckfest, harbor the most attention EVER for a matchup between 0-2 teams. The game will feature many injuries - broken nails, menstrual cramps, and pillow sheet burns. .
*New Hampshire is going to kill Marshall. Ok, ok, that was bad
*The Arkansas/Alabama matchup WILL go the way you think it will.
*The Louisville/Kentucky game will have the most offensive output (and least defensive resistance) EVER in a college football game by two teams. I see 1400 yards of offense total, easy.
*Bill Callahan will forget that he's in Nebraska and call USC the 'stupidest team on earth'.
*Florida State is traveling to Colorado for a DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL GAME, BROTHER! THIS AIN'T INTRA MURALS!!!

And The Second Guessing Begins

Courtesy of the Anti-Orange Page, Jim from Duluth offers his usual stellar recap of the Bulldog Hotline call in show Monday night.
It never ceases to amaze me that fans are so pompous after a loss (such as the Dawgs loss to South Carolina). If you’re one of those fans who constantly criticize a coaching staff, you probably need to evaluate what you say. Understand that I DON’T feel that coaches are above criticism. Take Virginia’s Al Groh. There’s a man who needs to be criticized. He was brought in to use his NFL type recruiting skills and turn around a Cavalier football program that has not seen excellence in sometime. For all the money UVA paid him, and all the hype about his connections to the NFL, he has done very little for that program.
But it’s easy to say that we should have done so and so in a particular game, when the coaches plan didn’t work. How many things go wrong in our own lives and hindsight turns out to be the only true vision? Now you may come back with “Yeah, but those guys get paid millions of dollars……” This is true, but chances and odds don’t change just because there’s more money at stake. College coaches are pinning their hopes on young men that are between the ages of 18 and 23. Think about the brilliant things you did when you were 19.
Back to the Bulldog Hotline. As I read through, I see a host of questions that just come out wrong. One caller basically questions the caliber of the WR corps. For the record, colleges can’t go out and recruit players mid-season. You’re stuck with who you have for a year. Second of all, you can teach every fundamental you can to a wide receiver, but he and he alone will make the catch on the field. A better question would have been, “was there a reason that we were throwing crucial throws to Mike Moore and Tony Wilson (2nd team WR’s) rather than starters Sean Bailey, Mikey Henderson and Mohamed Massaquoi?
Another popular perennial question that comes up (though disguised each time) “Why did you abandon the running game” or “Why don’t you use one running back?” Let’s be clear – Knowshon Moreno is the real deal. We already know that. But the best RB’s in the world need an OL to open up holes. Since everyone agreed at the beginning of the season that our OL was young, is it really right to place such a heavy burden on them when the game is on the line? I suspect that if the Dawgs had utilized Moreno more, and we still lost, the question would have been, “Why run the ball when you’ve got a gunslinger like Stafford?” You can’t win with some people.
Question the coach? You bet. Fans deserve that. But coaches spend there entire lives watching film and evaluating talent. The average fan, who doesn’t go to practice or know the weight room stats, is just that – the average fan. I doubt he has any suggestions a coach hasn’t already thought of.

I Don’t Make Predictions

That's right, I don't make predictions.

I just laugh when other people’s predictions go wrong. The thing is, I really haven’t decided if I truly know enough about the games to predict what will happen. But then again, the “experts” don’t either.

#15 Nebraska @ Wake Forest – I only mention this game because my brother in law is going to the game. He’s been a Cornhusker his whole life – isn’t every kid who was born and raised in SW Virginia? For me, watching Wake Forest is like watching theater. I can’t sit through the whole thing. I’m curious to see just how good the reigning ACC champs are. And are the Cornhusker fans going to sit idly by while Coach Callahan has the gall to throw more than 4 passes per game?

Miami @ #5 Oklahoma – People forget that, pre-bowl season, Oklahoma was a botched call away from a perfect season. New Hurricane coach Randy Shannan has banned all his players from owning guns. You tell me who’s been focusing more on football lately?

Duke @ Virginia – You think Duke is bad? The Cavaliers did not score a touchdown last week against Wyoming. That’s right. They play football in Wyoming. And they do it better than soon-to-be fired Coach Al Groh can teach them to do it in the Old Dominion. Tivo this game and skip through it to watch the commercials.

Alabama @ Vanderbilt – If you didn’t hate Bama before Coach Nick Satan, er, Saban got there, you sure do now. Forty nine states will be rooting for the school that keeps the SEC’s GPA’s up.

Oregon @ Michigan – remember Forest Whitakker’s character in “Fast Times At Ridgemont High”? Sean Penn’s character, Spicoli, wrecked Whittaker’s car and blamed it on the rival high school. Whitakker sent most that team out on a stretcher. I just wouldn’t want to be playing Michigan this week after last week’s embarrassment.

West Virginia Tech @ Western Kentucky – West. Virginia. Tech. Try saying it without laughing. Then change the channel.

Notre Dame @ Penn State – This time last year we called Charlie Weiss a ‘genius’. This year, he may just be called Joe Paterno’s bitch.

North Carolina @ East Carolina – If ECU wins, they take statehood from UNC.

#20 Hawaii @ Louisiana Tech – I’m sensing a trend. What’s next? A technical school in Georgia? Warrior QB and Heisman darkhorse Colt Brennan will throw for 800 yards and STILL no one in the continental US will care.

South Florida @ #17Auburn – Many pick an upset in cowtown. Truth is, it should be a really good game. As long as they don’t keep putting the camera on Auburn OC Al Borges (right). Only Dick Cheney frightens people more.

#9 Virginia Tech @ #2 LSU – The marquee matchup of the weekend. Two top defenses. Two speedy teams. And two of the most redneck fan bases outside of Florida. Ok, ok, I don’t really mean that. But seriously, Baton Rouge on a Saturday night? If nothing else, the blood alcohol content of Louisiana will go up by a tenth of a percent.

Finally,

South Carolina @ #12 Georgia – Even though Steve Spurrier is not “Steve Spurrier” anymore, he’s still a good coach. And the Gamecocks always bring an "A" game to this fight. Lotta smack talking leading up to this showdown.

Mecka-lecka-hi-mecka-hiney-ho

Quick thoughts from Saturday’s games

(Sorry, I gotta start with the Michigan/Appy State game)

*When Appalachian State’ Cory Lynch blocked Michigan’s desperation field goal in the waning minutes of the game, he ran it back to the 5 yard line, then celebrated wildly on the side lines, teammates piling on in victory. The refs, doing what they are SUPPOSED to do, threw a flag for excessive celebration. Let me just say this. Since this is now the greatest upset in college football history, there COULDN’T have been excessive celebration. The 15 yards they lost to run out the clock was meaningless. Since this is an arbitrary penalty anyway, couldn’t the refs just have gotten together and proclaimed, “There is no penalty, we’re going to let the Mountaineers revel in the fact that a I-AA beat the #5 team in the country in their own house”

*Dawgs 35-Pokes 14. It’s not that Stafford had 235 yards passing that excited me. It’s the fact that he threw to 9 different receivers. And it looks like he’s learned that taking a sack is not the end of the world.

*I’m still concerned about our kick offs. All day I watched team after team kick the ball right to the goal line, yet Coutu was putting them between the five and ten yard lines. I KNOW he’s got a stronger leg than THAT.

*Got Southerland? We do. And Shaun Chapas, too.

*If you’re wondering why the 13^th ranked team in the country didn’t get a lick of press coverage yesterday, and why ESPN felt the need not to switch over from the painful sight that was Illinois vs Missouri, it’s because we’re not flashy. Coach Richt has not been flashy since he left Florida State. Once the Dawgs are ahead, Richt simply runs the ball to eat away the clock, whereas a team like the Gators will keep running up the score.

*Something tells me the “flashy factor is about to change. College football, meet Knowshon Moreno. You two will get along great.

*Uh, I thought we were going to see Joe Cox?

*How awesome was it to watch WR Mohamed Massaquoi tackle someone like that on their botched punt?

Non-Dawg:

*Is there any doubt left that Notre Dame is the most overrated program of the last 5 years?

*Is it just me or was the score of the Auburn/Kansas State game a little closer than it should have been? Same for Texas and Arkansas State.

* I am changing my original prediction that Virginia Tech will beat LSU on Saturday. As long as Sean Glennon is their QB, that offense is mediocre.

*Dear Mr. Vol fan. There is blood in the water and the sharks are on their way.

What Would Mark Richt Do?

Don’t get all riled up at the title. It’s just a bit. But be honest, out of all the sports personalities in Georgia, nay in the country, do you know of anyone better to emulate? Two people issued apologies earlier this week. Michael Vick stood in front of a Virginia Federal Courthouse and apologized for his role in the whole dogfighting thing. I listened to his speech and while I do think he was sincere, what I wanted to hear was these two words, “I lied”. Basically, that’s what I’m upset about. Don’t get me wrong, the dogfighting is grotesque, but he then lied about it. So his apology was given because he simply HAD to.

Contrast that to our fearless head coach Mark Richt. Friday afternoon, after having practice rained out, Richt went on a tirade about UGA’s lack of an indoor practice facility for the football team. “I’m about tired of it” he said. And for those of us who follow every crumb of UGA football, it set off another debate. Georgia and Florida are the only SEC schools that do not have indoor practice facilities, so the proponents for it say ‘Everybody else has one, why shouldn’t we?’ Those who don’t care say ‘It’s obviously not hurting Florida (where it seems to rain every afternoon), so what’s the big deal. I don’t care one way or another, but it’s obviously a big deal to Coach Richt.

Fast forward to Sunday. Coach Richt issued this apology:

“I would like to make a public statement following up on my recent comments pertaining to our facilities at UGA.
First I am very proud to be at the University of Georgia. I have poured a lot of my life and energy into this program and I’m thankful every day for where God has placed me. I’m also thankful for the leadership of our University, Athletic Association, and Athletic Board.
Friday’s comments regarding the lack of an indoor practice facility were a knee-jerk reaction to a series of events that happened throughout the day ending with the cancellation of practice due to a storm in the area.
When I actually read my comments late in the day on Saturday I was very disappointed in what I said and the way I said it. It appeared to be someone who was ungrateful for what he had and that is certainly not the case. For that, I want to apologize to President (Michael) Adams, (athletic director) Damon Evans, and the Bulldog Nation.
I am very blessed at UGA and Damon and I have a great working relationship. In fact, we have been working together in planning a project that will provide a major facility improvement.
I want to end by saying that this statement is heartfelt and I was not asked to make it by anyone other than my own conscience.”

Huh?

I’ll admit, off the football field, his Friday statements are the closest thing to a tirade you’ll ever get from Richt. Most of us would turn into Howard Dean on crack if we were asked the kinds of questions that head coaches were asked. But if you ask me, he didn’t have to apologize for anything. I’ll bet you $200 that Athletic Director Damon Evans (if he in fact DID even read the story) said, “Ah, bitching about the indoor facility again. Whatever.” President Michael Adams is still figuring out how to attract more people at the fan friendly tailgaiting locations (memo to President Adams – people drink at football games. Get over it.) Neither of these guys gave a whiff about what he said, not because they don’t care, but because IT WAS A NON STORY.

You know, come to think of it, Richt did issue an apology once before. AJC columnist Jeff Schultz asked a question during the 2005 season about the lack of offense and was Coach Richt frustrated by it. Let’s preface this by saying that Coach had been addressing this issue at EACH press conference. Never the less, Schultz felt the need to drag it up again. “Can you talk a little bit about the stagnation of this offense?” Richt’s response was fantastic. “Well, I’ve talked about it before, but I’ll explain it again to YOU, if you’d like……” He then went on to discuss, very calmly, the offensive shortcomings. Before Richt ever apologized, Schultz made a reference to it in his column – noting that Richt’s reaction was as close to a public lashing that you’ll see from him. The very next press conference, Coach Richt started off by apologizing to Schultz and the AJC. I would have loved to have seen the looks on the faces of the reporters who were thinking, “what the hell?” You know even Schultz was thinking, “Who IS this boy scout?”

In both of these instances, Mark Richt did something we all do, he got extremely irritated. And then he lashed out – by his standards. However, he went back and apologized, leaving most of us scratching our heads. For all you UGA haters who complain about all the ‘thugs’ this program brings in, you certainly can’t complain about the man in charge. If he didn’t show any emotion on the football field, I would have the CIA investigate him for being a pod person. But he expects more of himself than he does of you. And he does it for the whole world to see.

What’d I Miss?

You just can’t take off any time during fall camp. I was busy celebrating Karl Rove’s departure yesterday, but I missed out on all the changes at the Dawgs’ practice.

Remember that scene in Space Jam? Jordan’s team (the cartoon characters) are all in the locker room and they’re all bandaged up and ailing? It seems that paints a clear picture of the offensive line. In fact, it’s so bad that RFr Kiante Tripp has been moved from defensive end to offensive tackle. Really? We’re that stocked at the end position we can afford to move 2006’s 14^th rated defensive end to the offensive side of the ball? Well, I guess when the same guy was also rated the 9^th best OT then the answer is OH HELL YEAH. Hey, I can appreciate that Coach Richt doesn’t want to move guys around. But it sounds like this guy is extremely athletic and would punt if you asked him to ( You reckon he punts? We still need a punter….)

In case you’re keeping tabs on the injured:

OL – Chris Davis, Chester Adams, Scott Havercamp, Chris Little, Tanner Strickland

Skill positions – Mikey Henderson, Tripp Chandler, Jason Johnson, TJ Gartrell, Kris Durham

DL – Tripp Taylor, Ricardo Crawford

DB’s – Rashad Jones, Bryan Evans, Thomas Flowers

LB – Chris Gaunder

Don’t worry if you’ve not heard of Chris Gaunder. He was just awarded a scholarship after he and fellow walk on Drew Williams showed they got what it takes. I distinctly remember Gaunder making a tackle in the Chick Fil A Bowl last year right after Milner scored our first touchdown. I’m guessing Gaunder has become a special teams guy, because at 6’0” and 216 lbs, he’s not vying for Brandon Miller’s job (of course former MLB Jarvis Jackson was around 220 lbs, so what do I know). I love to hear the walk-on stories because they are essentially making space for someone who has proven themselves on the field.

In the “I love Mark Richt, however” department we have this blurb about the linebackers yesterday:

“Brandon (Miller) of late has played more Sam and (Dannell) Ellerbe has played more Mike,” Richt indicated when asked about Miller’s play on Tuesday. “If it happened today we would probably play Ellerbe at Mike. It doesn’t diminish Miller’s ability. Even though he isn’t playing a lot of Mike right now, he is the guy who is physically dominating. He’s quite frankly throwing our tight ends around.”

This despite the previous declaration that, in moving him to the MLB, Miller was the “key” to the defense. He sounds like a White House press secretary who’s backpedaling. Look, I know he says whatever he has to just to protect his players, but this sounds worrisome. In the spring he said, and I quote, “We’re in good shape at linebacker”. Is this the equivalent of “no new taxes”?

Speaking of politicians, Georgia Congressman Paul Braun visited practice on Tuesday. You reckon HE can punt?

CB Remarcus Brown was suspended for the first two games for the dreaded "violation of unspecified team rules". At Miami, that means they've been smoking weed. Could mean anything here. At South Carolina, you can key a car and not get suspended any games. Unfortunately, at Georgia, they'll suspend you for skipping class, so I hope everybody's got the mischief out of their system.

We're getting down to two weeks before the first game. I hope we're done playing musical chairs and let these guys just play. Bring on the Cowboys.

Oklahoma State: Boise State v2.o or West Virginia v2.0?

As fall practice begins and the arrest season winds down, we keep the following date posted on our list of “to do’s”. September 1^st. That’s the date that the Oklahoma State Cowboys come to town (cue Clint Eastwod western music). Instead of starting the season with the usual patsy like Western Kentucky or Winona Park Elementary School, Athletic Director Damon Evans has scheduled a season opener with a team very capable of beating the Dawgs – depending on who you ask. Two years ago, media darling and mid-major Boise State came to town for the opener. All summer long many ‘knowledgeable’ media types predicted that Boise State would upset the Dawgs. Using their new-fangled, pass happy spread offense, they were supposed to confuse and confound Georgia. Bronco coach Dan Hawkins (now at Colorado) proclaimed that his team would not be bothered by the heat and had just as much speed as the SEC teams. He was wrong and the Dawgs squashed Boise State 48-13. Even worse, those poor guys had to fly back to Idaho. I couldn’t tell if we were that much better or Bronco QB Jared Zabransky threw the game. Fast forward to January 2^nd, 2006 – when SEC champion Georgia played West Virginia in the Sugar Bowl. That turned out to be the upset. The Mountaineers ran and ran and ran and beat us 38-35, making household names of QB Pat White and RB Steve Slaton in the process. Many Dawg fans offer up excuses – it was a meaningless game, we weren’t prepared and took the game lightly, Coach Richt’s press conference bored our guys to sleep, but regardless, they won and excuses don’t matter.

So now enter Oklahoma State. I submit that they are not Boise State, but they ain’t West Virginia either. Hardcore Georgia fans should recall the name of QB Bobby Reid as he was somewhat recruited by Georgia out of high school. He’s a very capable dual threat. They have a very versatile backfield and a serious WR threat in Adarius Bowman. But by most accounts they have a shaky defense (which means Georgia Tech could even score on them), so it could be a high scoring affair. The only person who seems bullish on our defense is Coach Richt, so I feel good about all those new guys if HE does. For that reason, and that reason alone, I imagine we should win that game. Ultimately, I just don’t want to lose the first game of the year. That’s the equivalent of throwing a party and having the “marginal” guest show up first. You know – the one who is really obnoxious but you only invited him so his feelings wouldn’t be hurt? It just makes for an awful long wait until the next guest arrives (in this case the next game - against Steve Spurrier, possibly the worst dinner guest EVER)

A Look at the best Georgia football players…….to interview

I listen to the players talk with great interest. I’m curious to know who’s got a future in broadcasting after their NFL playing days are over. Or who’s going to be a White House press secretary and offer up the kind of fluff that we expect. Today we look at just a few. We’ll check them out as the season wears on.

Sean Bailey – should be the team spokesman. Not only does he avoid the maddening “you know” and “uh”, he genuinely has something to say. I could listen to him all day long.

Matthew Stafford – I know that he’s the new sheriff in town, but he sounds like Butthead in interviews. Somebody taught him the usual lines; “we just gotta execute and play as a team”, “we faced a lot of adversity” and “blah blah blah, learning curve blah blah blah”. Of course, he’s been very guarded since his keg tossing days.

Fernando Velasco – He’s trying WAY too hard. I know he’s the senior leader, but he’s working too hard to spit it out. Slow down Fernando, we’ll wait.

Thomas Brown – he’s very good, actually. Here lately, he’s been answering a lot of questions about whether or not he would take a medical redshirt in 2007 and he’s handled them sincerely. No canned answers, he just wants you to understand that he’s getting back out there and his knee is fine. I get why Coach Richt adores him.

Asher Allen – See Fernando Velasco.

Mikey Henderson – Mikey is just EXCITED about the receiving corp. He seems like the type of guy who has a lot to say and he’s glad you asked. Something new in each sentence.

Kris Durham – Has apparently been to the “How to talk humble” classes that Georgia offers. But hey, he’s young.

Kelin Johnson – He may not have a lot to say to fans or a press corps, but I bet he can fire up the defense. And in the end, do we really care what they say to us as long as they get it done on the field?

The Email Brigade - the Real Enemy

I consider myself a liberal for two reasons. One, that’s what conservatives call anyone that doesn’t think exactly like them, and two, it’s the only label that Democrats seem to have. Fine, whatever. I’m a liberal. It has taken me quite sometime to realize that right wing conservatives are not the enemy. Oh sure, I like to argue with right-wingers all the time, pointing out their narrow-minded views and their spread of hatred. But to be honest, the loud-mouths don’t bother me as much as what I like to call the Email Brigade. You know EXACTLY who I’m talking about. They forward emails to you about three times a week with long stories that have “lessons”. The conservatives send stories about how our country has gone downhill since we took God out of schools. Or why it is mandatory that we blindly support George Bush and the war because “if you ain’t fer us yer agin' us!” and thus not a patriot. Or how we say the words “immigration reform” but really mean, “keep ‘em Mexicans out!” But conservatives aren’t the only guilty party here. Liberals are the ones who send the prayer chains around, with a veiled threat if you don’t forward the email. They also send the “little Johnny is in the hospital and will have his bills paid if you sign the petition and pass it on” emails that are just plain evil. Not to mention the “you will get $500 as soon as you forward this to ten people” chain emails, and it always has the note “I tried it my damn self and it worked!”. If you believe liberal chain emails, you believe that Bill Gates will give you a free computer, the Post office will start charging you 5 cents for email, and The American Cancer Society will donate money for sending around your email.

I guess you could make a case for which is worse. Both are bad in that they give out your email to spammers (who are usually behind all these anyway). The moment you get these, you should immediately email the person back and tell them that you are NOT part of the brigade and PLEASE remove your address from all the future crap they plan to send. Also, send them a link to snopes.com to show just how foolish they are (you really thought Oliver North was smart enough forecast Osama Bin Laden and then call out Al Gore in a Senate hearing?)

Stop these people. Stop them now.

Ah, July……College football is COMING!!!!

Just a quick recap of what’s happened to the Dawgs in July.

1. I watched the Chick Fil A Bowl again last weekend. That. Never. Gets. Old.
2. Still no punishment handed down for Blake Barnes and Tripp Chandler for underage drinking. It has to be at least 1.2 games, per university policy. Can we really put them in at the three minute mark in the first quarter of the South Carolina game? And by ‘them’, I mean Chandler.
3. Matt Stafford is learning to play golf and has a long way to go. Dear Matt: Thanks for playing golf instead of going to another NASCAR race.
4. There are a total of 17 verbal commitments for 2008 – that’s right, seventeen. See, in the old days, we wouldn’t have paid them until December or January.
5. Incoming frosh Caleb King was arrested and booked for driving on a suspended license and going the wrong way on a way street in Athens – ON A SCOOTER. Thanks to the cops for keeping those hardened criminals from overtaking the campus.
6. Walk on lineman Tripp Taylor was arrested for simple assault for an altercation that took place a month ago. No jokes here, if he’s guilty, he should be suspended for the season or kicked off the team.
7. Larry Munson has announced that he will probably only announce home games starting in 2007. Even Gators fans think that sucks. And they know about these things.

Fall camp opens in a couple of weeks. I'll be addressing the schedule in the upcoming weeks. The 2007 season is a big unknown for the Dawgs. Partly because of their own team, and partly because the SEC is more wide open than ever. Doesn't matter, because I'll be watching or listening to every game.
And please, folks. No weddings during football season!

Bonds is really gonna do it.

Barry Bonds will more than likely break Hank Aaron’s all time home run record in the next month. I’ve been living in denial for well over a year, thinking that something would happen to prevent it. Career ending injury. Bud Selig suspending him for being a pompous jerk. An earthquake in San Francisco effectively ending the baseball season FOLLOWED by Bonds’ career ending injury. None of it happened, so I’ve come to terms with it.

It’s not that I hate Bonds. I don’t. I saw him play in the early 90’s and he was awesome. Granted, he never played that well against Atlanta in the post season, but he was always dangerous. I’m divided on the whole steroid issue, and I think he was a great player regardless. It’s that he’s going to be breaking the last great record of Aaron, the greatest baseball player ever. Truth be told, I have seen more feel good stories on Aaron this past year than I ever have. So it’s not like people have forgotten who he was. A new generation of players will realize that he is third all time on the career RBI list and that he had several gold gloves. Plus, we all know there will be more of a frenzy when Alex Rodriguez breaks the record in about 10 years.

But.

Aaron deserved to keep this record for now. He was hitting home runs before guys like Bret Boone and Brady Anderson could hit 50 in a season. And he did it with class, biting his lip and looking over his shoulder the whole time. This is a man who couldn’t be rude if he tried, even though he had every right to be aloof.

If there is one good thing in all of this, it’s that people have come to respect Aaron more as the complete player he was. However, you’ll need to forgive me if I don’t stand up and cheer when Bonds hits 756.

Racism in my house

(note: I am refusing to use the term “African-American” for this piece. First of all, that term did not exist in the 1970’s. But most of all, someone forgot to tell me when being “black” was a bad thing.)

I’m not sure that, as kids, my brothers and I were ever given lectures about racism. Having grown up in Georgia in the seventies, racism certainly presented itself, but it seemed as if it was always one of those concepts that was just, well, understood. If my parents used the term “black”, it was used only as a physical description, not as an ethnic term. We made as much (or as little) fun of black people as we did anyone else.

Where we learned about the struggle was through sports and entertainment. When my father was a young man, he was a huge fan of many black bands that undoubtedly were kept from the mainstream because of their skin color. And of course, the first time my brothers and I heard their songs, they were sung by white artists. This used to piss him off to no end. When I started becoming a big music fan in elementary school, he made sure that I was very aware of where it all came from.

“Ray Charles is the king, don’t let anybody tell you different”

“If those guys were white, they’d have gone triple platinum by now”

“Who’s singin’ that? It sounded a whole lot better when (black guy)  sang it. This guy sucks.”

Dad gave very little credit to white rip off singers. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not THEIR fault. You’re up and coming, trying to make a name for yourself – suddenly you come across this great song that no one’s ever heard. I’d do it. But Dad was bent on giving credit where credit was due, and he took it personally. God forbid we sing a song by Pat Boone.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO SANG THAT FIRST? EVER HEAR OF LITTLE RICHARD? BOONE COULDN’T EVEN SING IN HIS BACK UP BAND!!!”

One time I dressed up as Elvis Presley and he took a slingshot and nailed me in the nads with my own pet rock. As he stood over me while I was writhing in pain, he growled “JAMES BROWN, YOUNG’UN, JAMES BROWN!!!”

Interestingly enough, as I got older and bought my own music, I found myself reading liner notes more and more. When you start to see “Holland/Dozier/Holland” on hard rock records, you begin to understand the influence of Motown.

Sports was a little different. As a kid in Atlanta, I never knew what kind of pressure that Hank Aaron was going through as he approached Babe Ruth’s home run record. Maybe because he didn’t want to ruin the innocence of it for me. All I know is, on the playground, EVERYONE wanted to be Hank Aaron. But I did know about Jackie Robinson. I asked my father once why he didn’t play sooner if he was so good. “Stupidity” was his answer.

The thing is, he never joined a march or participated in a sit in or anything like that. And it’s not like we sat at the dinner table and lamented about the plight of the black man. If there was a black person to be called out or ridiculed, he did it. And unlike, so many other grown men I remember, he did it without blaming his race. Dad taught us to look beyond and look through, but most of all, that a putz can come in any color, shape or form. Luckily, I don’t feel compelled to personally give reparations. Otherwise, I’d be standing next to a guy in the DMV line, listening to him complain – then give him $50 and say, “Sorry ‘bout your struggle, man”

Supporting Vick, but not blindly

Falcon fan? Guilty. I have always supported the team that came to town (along with the Braves) the very year I was born. When you grow up with a team, it becomes hard NOT to cheer for them. So, yes, I do pull for Michael Vick. I hated hearing his name when he was at Virginia Tech, but the Falcons drafted him so I want him to do well.

Having said that, if he is some dog fighting kingpin, capable of the kind of grotesque things he’s being accused of, then he should be suspended and/or kicked off the team and prosecuted for this felony. If not, then he is still the quarterback of the team and his success equals the Falcons’ success. Am I suspect of the way he lives his life? You bet. Sounds like he makes poor decisions off the field. I don’t have to hang his posters in my room – that would be odd since I’m 40 and my wife doesn’t give me a say so in the interior decorating – but I will watch him play on TV along with the other 50 or so guys who play for Atlanta. Is he a role model? Not for me or my children. If you don’t know the difference, don’t criticize those of us that do.

Edit: How was the timing of that post? Obviously, we all know that Vick was indicted by the Feds on dog fighting charges. What happens to him now will be left up to the Feds, the NFL, and the Falcons. If he's wearing a Falcon jersey come the first game I'll be surprised, but I will none-the-less root for the Falcons to win. There will be 52 other guys on the roster playing, too.

Things I consider fair

I Would Hope That………..

….Jerry Falwell is still in line at the gates of heaven – being judged.

….Terrell Owens gets a job as a sportscaster – and has to interview former teammates.

….we are done with the “Rocky” movies. Having said that, it’s time to remake “Smokey & The Bandit (you KNOW you’d watch it……)

….Bulldog fans give a chance to whomever replaces Larry Munson, hard as it will be.

….somewhere, a Chinese person is making fun of an American’s name.

Big Bry is on drugs

That’s right. I could no longer fend off the need to take medicine for high blood pressure, so for the first time in my life, I’m popping pills.

A little history. I’ve always been anti-drug. I mean, sure, in college, I would have no problems smoking weed that was grown in a toilet by a guy who called himself “The Chemical Bandit”, so I understand how hypocritical that is. One thing is for sure – that stuff never came with warning labels on the bag (or empty film canister, or coffee can, or my favorite; an accounting book with a carved out middle). There were definitely warnings, but they came in the form of Nancy Reagan and those “this is your brain on drugs” ads, which, by the way did more to INDUCE people into to taking drugs than deterring (“DUDE!!I wanna get that fried!!”) If marijuana had labels, we know what they would say:

“Getting high can seriously inhibit your ambition to get up off that couch. Seriously”.

“Reefer has caused the following side effects: lower grades, constant hunger and interaction with some of the stupidest people on the face of the earth”

“Smoking this product has been known to cause that God-awful high-pitched white man’s laugh”

So…….have you ever READ warning labels for medicine? I understand that legally, they have to be there, but my goodness. It gives pause, for sure. Let’s examine a few from my new bottle of Hydrochlorothiazide, shall we?

Uses: …….Hydrochlorothiazide is a “water pill” (diuretic) that causes your body to get rid of extra salt and water. This increases the amount of urine you make……..

We’ll just put that in the ‘win’ column. Of course I’ll have to get up five minutes earlier each day, ‘cause it sounds like it’s gonna take a little longer to get ready.

Side Effects: Dizziness, light headedness, headache, blurred vision, loss of appetite, stomach upset……………..

Ok, in 1987, I called those symptoms ‘Saturday night at Poor Richards Bar & Grill’

………….diarrhea or constipation………..

Eeeeeyow. What….do they put Krystal burgers in those things?

You may also experience decreased sexual ability or increased sensitivity to the sun

Like, uh, at the same time? I could handle decreased sexual desire (hey, I’m 40 – it’s a right), but ABILITY? That’s just five ways wrong! And is the sensitivity related to my eyes or skin? I can handle wearing sunglasses all the time, but will I start looking like one of those pale red-heads with pink freckles on my butt?

If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly

“Uh, Doc, my vision seems to be pretty bad. I could have SWORN I saw a picture of Scooter Libby that read ‘no jail time’”

Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of the side effects

Somewhere there’s a guy with an invisible scale, saying, “Hmmm. Continue to be a sexual dynamo OR lower my blood pressure….I’ll think about it”

Personally, I’m hoping Doc is right about this, because three of those symptoms might require wearing a diaper. Although, for years I have threatened my wife that I would keep a jug by the bed at night to avoid getting up to take a whiz – this could now be deemed medically necessary.

Finally, there’s this nugget:

Precautions: Before taking Hydrochlorothiazide, tell your doctor or pharmacist if you are allergic to it…………

Duh huh!?! That’s the medical equivalent of the hair dryer warning “Do not use in the shower. You would know that you are allergic to it “before taking it”……….HOW, exactly?

So many things to look forward to…….whizzing all the time, my wife saying the obligatory “d’jou take yer medicine?”, and vomiting while blaming in on my pills.

Sweet.

Notes from Disney World

My family and I just spent five days at Disney World. But, I look at theme parks differently than the average person.

--Left lane campers. Everyone understands who these nimrods are, right? Listen up, because if you don’t know what it means, you probably ARE one. Those signs on the interstate that say, “Slower traffic keep right”? That means you shouldn’t be in the left lane unless you are passing everyone. EV-RY-ONE. If you’ve ever been passed on the right, you’re a LLC. Losing the title of LLC is simple. Pass someone on the left, then after you’ve cleared them, move back into the right hand lane.

--I’m not saying I agree with this theory, but I have heard people (black and white) say that, in general, blacks have a higher chance of being better athletes. Again, I’m not necessarily agreeing with that. But IF that’s true, then I know why. White people cart their kids around in strollers long past the time when it’s acceptable. When you’re black and you turn two, you’re ass is WALKING. If you’re white and can convince mommy that you can fit in a stroller (even though you’re knees are shoved back behind your ears) you’re getting a ride. I swear one girl had to have been 10 years old asleep in a big plastic stroller. Guess what, Dad? You might as well save up for bail money, cause she’s gonna need it one day – and YOU are the guy she’ll be calling. Folks, strollers are for TODDLERS. If they are getting ready to shave, they need to walk everywhere they go. If they can’t hang through a 12 hour theme park day, YOU HAVE WORK TO DO!!!

--I know now the origins of the name “Orlando”. It means literally “abundance of Latin cleavage”.

--My hats off to the employees of Disney. I can’t go a day without emitting a little bit of crankiness. These men and women are happy all day long. And they’re happy wearing long sleeve shirts and pants in Orlando IN JUNE. We can’t let them wear shorts because, why? They’ll be TOO happy? I used to work at a Disney retail store and those Disney fans are CUH-RAZY. Step in front of them in the Mickey Mouse Autograph line and they’ll cut you with a shank they made from plastic ears. This is one group you just don’t mess with. And these park people deal with them (in addition to the average Joe’s family) all day long. So if you ever complain about the prices you pay at WDW, think about the LAST theme park you visited. Did they say “that’s not allowed” or “I’ll take the picture for you”? These cast members are just heroes, plain and simple. The only names I can remember are Jackie from McMinnville, TN and Allison from Winter Haven, FL.

--If you’ve just finished watching a parade or light show, and you’re not even a little misty-eyed, then you may not have a soul. Seriously, even if you don’t have kids, it’s hard not to get caught up in this “magic”. Having said that, if you find yourself at a parade yelling out “Darth Vader! Over HERE!!!”, and you’re yelling for yourself AND you’re 40 years old, you may need to re-think your hobbies, m’kay?

--Lines are long. This place is popular. Just DEAL with it. Seriously, no more bitching – no one wants to hear it. Did you really think that you could ride the Rockin Rollercoaster in under fifteen minutes?

--I’ve noticed that WDW is the only place where I will truly enjoy striking up a conversation with a total stranger. Anywhere else, I’m suspect of chatty people because I assume they will eventually try to 1) convert me to their religion, or 2) sell me some brand of sports energy drink. Chances are you can have a decent dialogue with anyone either in front of you or behind you. Even a loudmouth windbag from Ohio (Is it me or do they teach those people to dominate a conversation?)

--Your kids are definitely adorable – TO YOUAND YOU ALONE!!! Please don’t misinterpret our initial “Awww” to mean that we want to see more of their bratty behavior. What we’re really saying is “Awww…..someone needs a WHIPPIN”. You know, on second thought, maybe it’s a good thing some of you let your 12 year olds take naps in those strollers…………

--SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN. This just in – Florida is HOT. Just because the redneck natives wear jean shorts that don’t breath, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Long sleeve shirts, all black outfits, blue jeans?????………….THINK BEFORE YOU PACK. Even chunky people wearing halter tops is acceptable.

If you ever have the chance to go, then go. It's worth every dime. But don't be a left lane camper on the way down.

Shattered Innocence

Well, it finally happened. No, wait. It happened for the second time. I equate the end of my childhood with Dale Murphy being traded from the Atlanta Braves. This took place in 1990, when I was 23. Granted, Murphy was not my favorite player of all time (that honor goes to Hank Aaron), but he was one of the last great athletes to revere. My buddy Scott Sergent, who was an intern with the Braves, called me at work to tell me. I was managing a music store at the time, so I had to be strong for my employees. But I did cry that night. Time to move on, time to grow up. I eventually forgave Tom Glavine for throwing at Murphy during a game a year later. It was retaliatory – he HAD to do it. Even the pitch was symbolic. Murphy knew it was coming and the ball was thrown about 30 mph. After the game, Murphy said he didn’t take it personally and Glavine didn’t even want to talk about it. That’s the kind of respect Murphy garnered.

This time though, my faith in our justice system took the big blow. I always believed that the prosecutors were the good guys and the defense attorneys were the bad guys. Defense attorneys can lie and spin like crazy; prosecutors HAVE to find and tell the truth. But if you’re like me, you want to beat Nifong with a lacrosse stick. You and I both know that he will be on the $10,000/hr lecture circuit next year.

Lucky for me, tomorrow I’m going to the happiest place on earth. No, not Charlize Theron’s pillow – Disneyworld. Maybe that will get me back on track.

There's nothing worse than being a fan of an out of state team. I live in Virginia, but LOOOOVE my Georgia Bulldogs. So all you people who get to go to the games, consider yourselves lucky. The rest of us have to pay for the privilege of listening to Larry Munson from afar. I'm so glad Al Gore invented the internet.

I don't know how I stumbled upon this, but I prepared a schedule for the Georgia/Florida game in 2005. Luckily, that game is always on TV. Anyway, here's how I planned the weekend for me and my family. The game didn't turn out so well, and even though my wife, Robin, and I actually WENT to the WLOCP in 2006, that didn't turn out so well, either. Oh, well, like the Gamecocks say, "wait til next year".

(It's OK to pity my kids)

Schedule for Georgia/Florida weekend.

Friday:

6:30am – Robin to Orthopedic Surgeon. Have hand operated on. (memo to self: bring large red & black foam “#1” finger for her to wear home)

11:30am – Begin badgering Robin about what she’s cooking for dinner with “one good hand”

11:31am – Regain consciousness, go pick up Olivia from Pre-school. Review cheer with her. “GOOOOOO DAWGS, SIC EM WOOF WOOF WOOF” (remind her it has to have FEELING)

12:15pm – Go to Atlanta Journal Constitution online, read latest updates to “Junkyard Blawg”. Ridicule Gator fans who, despite having their OWN blog, come onto ours and pick fights

12:30pm – Realize that the “Gator Fans” are really Tech fans who have nothing better to do. Since their team sucks.

2:05pm – Madelyn gets home from school. Pull Madelyn and Olivia into the living room and simulate the “Sprint draw”; discuss why it doesn’t work on 3^rd and long; fire off email to Coach Richt giving him said reasons.

3:30pm – Kid games. Play “So how tall are they?” Olivia plays running back Thomas Brown, who is 5’8”, Madelyn plays wide receiver Kenneth Harris, who is 6’3”, Daddy plays offensive tackle Dennis Roland, who is 6’9”. (tell kids Mommy is a party pooper because she doesn’t want to play tight end Leonard Pope – 6’8”)

5:00pm Enough of this kid stuff. Back to work. Watch game films of the Tennessee game. Madelyn will ask, “Daddy, what are we learning from THIS game”. “Nothing, sweetheart. I just enjoy watching UT get beat”.

5:30pm Watch film of Arkansas game. See if Olivia can count the number of ambulances that cart the Dogs off the field. Explain the significance of our new starting quarterback, Joe Tereshinkski, whose father and grandfather both played football for Georgia. Lie and say his great-grandfather planted the original hedges at Sanford Stadium. Explain significance of the hedges and tell them Scott Sergent and I broke into Sanford at 3am one night to get a piece of the famous bushes. Poke the girls to keep them from going to sleep.

7:00pm – Watch an ESPN pregame show. Explain to the girls that Lou Holtz is not retarded, he just has a lisp and combs his hair straight down.

7:30pm – In celebration of Halloween, show the girls a picture of legendary Georgia Defensive coach Erk Russell. Spend the next 15 minutes calming Olivia down.

8:30pm – Entertainment time. Show videos of past GA/FL games. Replay the one in ’97 when Steve Spurrier threw his visor 28 times, and his #1 ranked teams got their butts whipped 37-17. Also replay the Belue to Scott 94 yard TD in ’80. Lord above, that never gets old.

10:00pm – Put the girls to bed, tell them we have a long, long day tomorrow. Prepare something to eat since my slacker wife still hasn’t made me anything for dinner.

Saturday:

5:30am – Breakfast. Listen to Larry Munson clips to fire everyone up, “WE JUST STEPPED ON THEIR FACE WITH A HOB NAIL BOOT!!! WE JUST CRUSHED THEIR FACE!!”

5:45am – apply red and black face paint. I might wear some, too.

6:00am-8:00am – Go over offensive schemes

8:00am-10:00am – Go over defensive schemes

10:00am – Explain to the girls why they can’t go outside and play. Time to review punts and kick-offs.

10:30am – Watch “College Gameday” on ESPN. Make voodoo doll for Florida coach Urban Meyer. Remind the girls (who are hating life at this point) that Meyer cried in his press conference after the loss to LSU. This man was supposed to revolutionize the SEC. He is hereby dubbed Urban Cryer.

12:00pm – Allow the girls to watch cartoons instead of football, but only if they promise to keep the face paint on.

12:00pm-3:30pm – Watch meaningless (read: any other) college football games.

3:30pm – Watch GA/FL game intro. Call announcers Verne Lundquist and Todd Blackledge a couple of @#&*!’s. (Explain to the girls it’s not really ok to say @#&*!). State out loud that I’m tired of hearing about Pollack and Greene. It’s 2005, time to move on. (Explain to Olivia who David Pollack and David Greene are. Draw her a map of Snellville)

3:30pm-7:30pm – Yell, stomp, kick, cuss.

7:30pm - ????? – Depends on the outcome of the game. Either of the conversations could take place.

Robin: Madelyn, go ask Daddy if we can eat out tonight while he’s in a good mood

Madelyn: Will we have to wait until the holes in the ceiling are fixed?

OR

Robin: Girls, try to avoid being on the same floor as Daddy.

Madelyn: Can we cover that hole with plastic, it’s supposed to be cold tonight?