How Old is “Old”?

I’m 41. There, I said it. Turnin 42 in September. I have a career with letters after my name. House, wife, two beautiful daughters. But understand something about me. I’m not old. Saying “I’m old” is something that people say to make younger people feel inferior. Hear me out:

We’ve all heard a 29 year old say to a 21 year old “Man, I wish I could party like I used to – you don’t know how good you’ve got it!”

Or the 35 year old say to the 29 year old, “You don’t know anything yet. Wait til you hit 34!”

I find this laughable.

By using the age card, folks try to twist it into experience. “I’m older than you so I know better.” Probably because some 60 year old has done it to them their whole life. It all depends on the age of the crowd you’re in, but everyone likes to be the wisest in the room and if age is all we got, that’s what we focus on.

I never say I’m old. Partly because it’s a state of mind and I’m male. Males are perpetually 14 years old at heart. Sports, movies with explosions, fart jokes and hot girls in tight jeans will always hammer away at our senses. But the minute you TRULY feel old is when your mind starts to decline. I will admit that I can’t eat what I used to eat and that my throw from 3^rd base to 1^st base takes a little more work, but that doesn’t mean I’m old, it’s just physical attrition. Or stronger gravity, I’m not sure which.

Having said all that above, I must be at that ‘tweener age. Some things make me aware that I’m 41 and other times, I forget.

Things that remind me I’m oldDER:

While walking an applicant back to an interview, Donna Summer’s ‘Love to Love you Baby’ is playing on the office radio, and I’m completely embarrassed because Mrs. Summer is moaning in between verses.

I shake my head when I see a piercing anywhere but the ear

I wonder why the neighbors can’t shut the party down at midnight.

I shudder when I see someone’s going to play a guitar in church

I can stretch a triple into a single.

I haven’t forgiven Ted Kennedy

But……like I said. I’m a young male………..so:

I steal looks at the lady cleavage

I still yell at the umpire for not making the right call

I won’t bypass a resume from Koneisha Haslam just because of her name.

I understand that the “Golden Years” were not so golden for women.

I let my kids “pull my finger”

I have forgiven Bill Clinton

And finally, I’m still compelled to give someone a swift kick in the groin when they use the term,’whippersnapper’………

Vying For My Soul

Starting a new job is full of valleys and mountains. My last job switch before January was nine years ago. And it was to an office of 6 people, so I’d forgotten the one single on-going war that happens when you go to a larger office – the immediate lobbying by individuals to ‘get you on their side’.

It starts out simple enough.

“Hey, let me know if you need anything”.

“Welcome aboard, stop by sometime and we’ll head to lunch”.

“If you can’t get an answer from corporate, call me and I’ll help you figure it out”.

Once you’re in and, ahem, ‘comfortable’, the tone changes slightly:

“Anything giving you any trouble so far?”

“We should probably chat soon about (enter random policy here)”

“(Enter upper management individual here) stays pretty busy, I can fill you in on anything you can’t get from her”

The timeline is different for each case, of course, but the process is the same. Once the honeymoon is over, you will become fully aware of who avoids who, who aligns with whom, and who flat out can’t stand who. Now the suggestions turn to:

“Don’t ask (enter random worker here). They don’t know their butt from a hole in the wall”

“Here’s why I don’t think (any process) will work………”

“Come in and close the door. (Previous upper manager) doesn’t have a grasp on reality and here’s why”

Now you have a couple of choices.

1. Soak it all in and don’t commit. I recommend this until you FULLY know the facts from everyone. Including the morons who don’t know their butts from a hole in the wall
2. Join one of the “gangs”. Learn their lingo, list their enemies, back them up in meetings. This is high risk/high reward. Your gang leader could be promoted and you’ll be sitting in high cotton. Or they could be fired and you will be outta there like poop through a goose.
3. Become the peacemaker right away. Demonstrate that you don’t understand why we all just can’t get along. This, of course will show everyone you have no backbone, right or wrong. Don’t do this.

Be prepared for the inevitable, “Did you hear what that meathead said?” type comments that will occur. Again, remain a sponge. It’s gonna be a year before you completely have a grasp on the culture at a new job. In the meantime, talk to EVERYONE at the company, from the CEO down to the janitor. Being standoffish will never score you points with any group.

And don’t wear a tie that will create a nickname for you. It will last your entire tenure there.

That is all.

Signed

Hercules

DUDE!!

Long time between posts. Has my brain been empty? Yeah, sort of.

No doubt you’ve seen the Bud Light commercials that feature only one word. The commercial follows around an individual as he goes to a football game and he comments every time something bad happens. Someone breaks in line – “Dude!”, someone sounds off a bullhorn in his ear, “Dude!”, he walks into a bathroom stall that someone has just polluted, “Duuuude”. It’s especially funny to me because long before he was on Saturday Night Live, Rob Schneider used to talk about the word “dude” in his act, saying that it could literally display ANY emotion. But most of the time, this guy in the commercial is getting hosed, therefore he emits a frustrated tone with his “Dude!”.

Next time you pray, ask yourself if that’s what you’re doing. Are you bowing your head, and asking God, “Dude?”. You know you do. That’s when we all pray the most, when the Big Guy has thrown us a knee-buckling curve ball that we weren’t ready for – DUDE! I have a theory that I don’t think God minds this, even though his answer could be, “Oh, you’re talking to me again? How nice of you to drop by”. Much as we all like to make fun of the athlete who wins the MVP of the World Series and then proclaims, “Well, uh, first, you know, uh, I uh, have to credit to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, uh, you know, with him all things be possible!”, at least give him credit for giving it up when the gettin’ is good. Weed through the “uh” and “you know” sprinkled in there and what you have is someone who is giving an energized, fist-pumping, “DUDE!!!!”

Every now and then….. no, more often than that, make it a point to look up to he heavens to give God a positive, “Dude!”

Recruiting: Kiddie Porn for College football fans

Wednesday is National Signing Day for college football, and if you don’t follow college football, let me explain it to you quickly. College coaches and their assistants begin watching high school football players on film and in person starting with their freshman and sophomore years.

That’s really all you need to know. I mean, there are other elements to Signing Day (high school seniors sign a letter of intent to attend and play football at a university of their choosing). But before I completely trash this process, let me tell you how important recruiting is. Every coach from middle school on up will live and die by their win/loss record. Obviously the stakes are higher in college, where the big money is. If you recruit the very best kids to play for you, your chances of winning are higher, you send more kids to the NFL, you generate more money for the school, etc. etc.

But recruiting has become a sick spectacle for many. I can’t prove it, but I think it all starts with the two main recruiting services, Rivals and Scout. Millions of football fans pay $99 a year to read articles on which high school kid is going where. Writers from the two web sites call these high school kids (who are still trying to make the grades to get into college) on a daily basis to find out who their favorite school is ‘right now’. They even have terms for levels of commitment – soft verbal, lean, solid, etc. Both services then rank all the players individually overall, then by position. Then they rank the schools by how well they are doing. Players are given stars, one being the lowest, five being the best, so the more five star players a school has, the better their ranking.

Sounds like the modeling industry doesn’t it?

There are several things that bother me about this whole process:

1. Kids get inflated egos. You can argue that this was happening anyway. I don’t have a problem with a kid getting a free trip to 12 schools. Quite honestly, that’s the best they will be treated while on campus (Yes, I KNOW they get a free education). But with the advent of the internet, the courting by fans, and the fact that National Signing Day is a freaking holiday in Alabama, some of the these kids can get a false sense of security from the very same fans who will boo them the first pass they drop. Many recruits absolutely eat up the limelight. They change their minds privately and publicly just for attention. They will toy with the emotions of those who desire them. Why? Because they can.

2. Adults fawning over boys age 16-18 years old. This is the sick part to me. Pick any name on either Rivals or Scout and then look them up on Youtube. Now read the comments that follow. “Dude, he’s a BEAST”, “What a great looking athlete”, “Can’t wait to see that chiseled frame taking on linebackers this fall”, “He’s a freak of nature”….and so on and so on. I don’t care how big they are, they are KIDS.

3. Rivals and Scout have become WAY too powerful. I don’t know that they have as much influence on coaches, but they do on the recruits themselves. Trust me, corruption is sure to follow. If the kids don’t talk to reporters much or commit early, I guarantee that they are not going to be ranked high, so Rivals and Scout have pretty much insured that they get responses from all relevant recruits. Pretty soon they will have a group that offers “advice” to recruits. Translation = Lobbyist. You think there will be any chance of improprieties in THAT scenario?

Having said all of the above, I will pay attention to who UGA signs tomorrow. Because in the end, if they sign, they have committed to the Bulldogs and NOW I will begin cheering them on.

Then, for most of us, we hold our collective breath, hoping that we can keep the number of off season arrests to under ten…………….

Recon mission @ Barnes & Noble

I did what everyone does when they get a new job. I patrolled the area at lunch looking for the closest place to buy food, drinks, or just some place to kill time. Fortunately, I now work near a mall, so killing time won’t be a problem. But the other day on my way TO the mall, I realized that there is no convenient store nearby to get a newspaper. There was, however, a Barnes & Noble attached to the mall.

Let me tell you about me and reading. To say I’m not a reader is like saying Britney Spears is not well adjusted, or Hilary Clinton is not beloved in country clubs. It is something that cannot be overstated.

So I thought I could stroll in, meander through the store without being noticed, grab a USA Today (you know, the paper for idiots) and escape without any shrapnel.

Hmmmm.

It began as soon as I came to the door. I was walking parallel to a lady toward the door from the outside. She was sure there was no way I was going in there, so she kept pace. I was keeping pace to try to open the door for her, being the Southern gen-teeel-man that I am. As I opened the door, I noticed she had her finger on the button of her mace spray, accompanying her look of horror and shock. I think she might have backed in, but I was too busy covering my eyes for protection.

After giving her ten paces. I walked in and began looking for a simple sign, “Newspapers”. I could have probably found that section sooner had I not been so self-conscious about others watching me. No one says a word, but they give the looks – “What’s he doing here?”, “Omigosh, it’s a NON-READER”, and of course, “Geez, I’ve got to get to a phone, we’ve got a code 14 near Cooking”. I had to wander through the store twice before I asked the clerk. I swear this was his response. “Ok, back up towards the front of the store, you’ll see a “Death of A Salesman” sign, it’s right under there.” I literally thought it would be a picture of a scene from the book, and almost replied, “Dude, I never read the book, how will I know what to look for?” But I trekked back through the store AGAIN, fielding a barrage of evil looks from nerds of all kinds, when I saw something that would bail me out – a guy in a camouflage shirt. HELL, YEAH!! The dweeb throng had shifted seamlessly from me to the more imminent threat. I heard them conspiring, “I’ll head him off at the Conway Twitty biography section and you cover ‘Field and Stream’ in the periodicals….on three….GO!”

This gave me the opportunity to slip by, grab my four colored paper and slither back to the mall entrance cash register. “Do you have one of our frequent reader carAH AHA HA HA HA HA HA……” As he wipes the tears from his eyes, he says, “I’m sorry, I gotta ask. You understand. Boy, that was funny!” I seriously wanted to take a swing a Phyllis, but I noticed that they had cornered Rambo in the café and were going in for the kill. “I don WAUNT NO LATT-TAY, I JEES WAUNT CAW-FEE”. I felt for Rambo, but since I don’t drink latte (or really know what it is), I knew I would have to leave him behind and just consider him a casualty. An MWR (Missing While Reading).

God Bless Rambo, we “non readers” will miss him.

A New Movie

Along with 100 million others, I watched the Super Bowl last night. I hadn’t settled on who I was rooting for until right before the game. I was sick of hearing about the New England Patriots. I think Tom Brady was even sick of hearing about the New England Patriots. But on the other hand, I was sick of hearing former Miami Dolphin running back Mercury Morris blab on and on about their perfect season in ’72. Truth be told, I think most of the ’72 Dolphin team was sick of him, even if they echoed his sentiments about wanting to remain the only undefeated team in NFL history. Then there’s Eli Manning. I watched him play in college without much excitement. I remember thinking that if his last name wasn’t Manning he wouldn’t have been as hyped. Suffice to say I was wrong in my assessment.

So I cheered on the New York Giants.

But as they were leading 10-7 and the Patriots were driving with under three minutes to go, I had that thought. “I’ve seen this movie before and it ALWAYS turns out the same – with the Patriots winning”. I mean, if my wife hadn’t stayed up to watch it, I would have turned it off. I was THAT sure that New England would score and then shut down the Giants’ offense. As we all know, that’s not what happened. Michael Strahan and the Giant defense got tired of watching the same movie over and over, and decided to write a new ending (thank you striking writers!). And with the make up of the team, this same Giants team could be around for awhile, producing another New York dynasty, much like the Yankees.

God help us all.