After the horrific events that have taken place the last couple of weeks, we begin to look for relief. Parents shooting their kids, adults shooting up schools, crazies cutting babies out of women……..this constant barrage of evil begins to sap the happiness right out of us.
So here’s what I do.
I like to imagine that even hell has standards. Much in the way that many of us imagine that St Peter is waiting on us at the gates of heaven to “confirm” our arrival, I imagine that Satan, Jr. is down below at the ‘Lake of Fire’ entrance to greet those who have ensured themselves a spot in eternal damnation. There will be a few who pass without incident. Lots of lawyers, a few referees, and that guy who invented artificial turf. But when that dude shows up and says, “Uh, yeah, I just shot 8 little Amish girls…..”. I would imagine Satan’s response is something like this:
“Oh SNAP!!! That was YOU? Damn, man, what’s WRONG with you? Holy crap, you’re gonna have to go sit by Hitler and McVeigh. Eight Amish girls, man, you must really be a special kind of prick.”
“Well, at first I was just going to molest them, but…”
“WHOA WHOA WHOA…you were going to MOLEST Amish kids? Ok, right away, I can tell you that you don’t get any porn privileges…..Geez Lou-ise, what is goin ON up there on earth? HEY! Bin Laden!!! Dude, I know you haven’t been here long, but will you show this asshole around? No, he doesn’t get anything to drink or any shoes, let his feet melt first, and give him an iPod loaded with Yoko Ono's Greatest Hits………”
Sorry. It’s the only solace I can get.
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